Ever notice how grim and gritty Christopher Nolan's Batman universe is? The effort to make everything as 'realistic' as possible? I mean, the Batmobile is a tank, Joker was just a crazy guy with a Glasgow smile, and there's no teenage boys running around in bright colors that just scream, "Diversion!" Lame.
The villains selected in the Nolan Batman trilogy are all based in this 'reality' he's created. Old, white ninja guy, burlap sack-wearing creep with fear chemicals, crazy person in clown make-up, and...big, beefy guy who sounds like a McDonalds order box.
I know I can't be the only one who wanted to see Joker slap Bats in the face with a Joker fish. So, I ask you: where are the awesome powers? The crazy gimmicks? The colorful costumes? The oft-ridiculous origin stories?
Read on to see the top ten villains we won't see in the Nolan Bat-movies.*
*Yes, I know he's done after Dark Knight Rises, let's pretend that he's making them for the rest of his life for the sake of argument.
Real name: Basil Karlo
First appearance: Detective Comics #40
Schtick: Can shape-shift. Kind of like Carnage or Venom, but, y'know, made of clay.
Why we won't see him: He's made of clay. I mean, if they went with his original incarnation it would work. But that was just him as Basil Karlo going to get revenge on the people remaking one of his movies without him as the lead. That would suck.
Actually, on second thought...what's Val Kilmer doing these days besides being bloated?
Real name: Waylon Jones
First appearance: Detective Comics #523
Schtick: Has a condition that makes him look reptilian, super-strong, eats people
Why we won't see him: He has a condition that makes him look reptilian. C'mon guys, get on my level. They could do him if they made him like he appeared in Brian Azzarello's Joker graphic novel, namely a black guy with a skin condition and implications of cannibalism but, similar to Clayface, that's way less interesting than a dude who looks like a crocodile and eats people sans implication.
Real name: Drury Walker/Cameron Van Cleer
First appearance: Batman #63
Schtick: Ludicrous costume, fancies himself as the anti-Batman, eventually sold his soul and became a moth monster
Why we won't see him: He's seriously one of the lamest dudes ever. Like, Mad Hatter is cooler than him. His costume is garish and he is an F-lister. They tried to make him cooler by turning him into a moth monster, but that only made him less likely to appear in the Nolanverse. He was ripped in half during Infinite Crisis and I'm sure most people were like, "Who was that guy?"
Real name: Dr. Kirk Langstrom
First appearance: Batman #49
Schtick: Turns into a man-bat, part man, part bat. In the comics, there are now a legion of ninja man-bats. Yikes.
Why we won't see him: Because he's a man-bat. Cross-species don't fit into the Nolanverse. That's really more Amazing Spider-Man, and if the game is canon then Morbius will be part bat eventually.
Real name: Maximillian Zeus
First appearance: Detective Comics #483
Schtick: Insane, thinks he's Zeus, has electricity-based weaponry
Why we won't see him: He could work in the Nolanverse, but I think Maxie Zeus is a little too out there for Nolan to use.
Real name: Victor Fries
First appearance: Batman #121
Schtick: Freezes people with an ice gun, stuck in a suit that keeps his weird temperature-based condition in check, loves his wife a lot
Why we won't see him: Everything about him but his motivation (curing his wife and bringing her out of suspended animation) doesn't fit into the Nolanverse; the freeze gun, the suit, it just wouldn't work. But if it did, it would be freaking awesome.
Real name: Pamela Isley
First appearance: Batman #181
Schtick: Plant control, plant-based mind control, very protective of plants, often depicted with green skin
Why we won't see her: Her powers are way too fantastic for the Nolanverse, like ten times more than freeze guns. I'd say it also had to do with Batman and Robin, but we've got a new Bane.
Real name: Jason Todd
First appearance: Batman #357 (as Jason Todd), Batman #635 (as Red Hood)
Schtick: Vengeful villain/anti-hero depending on the day of the week, former Robin, died and came back through the most convoluted backdoor in comics history
Why we won't see him: The no-Robin rule, his whole murky resurrection thing, and it'd take way too much development to get him to the point to make his appearance as Red Hood meaningful. Just go see Captain America: Winter Soldier instead. They're basically the same character.
Real name: Cyrus Gold
First appearance: All-American Comics #61
Schtick: Born on a Monday, christened on Tuesday, married on Wednesday, took ill on Thursday, grew worse on Friday, died on Saturday, buried on Sunday, came back from the dead super-strong and partially made of swamp and wood on Monday
Why we won't see him: He's a perpetually-resurrecting zombie, and not traditionally a Batman villain (although he had major Bat-time in Jeph Loeb's Long Halloween and Dark Victory, as well as an awesome surprise appearance in Arkham City)
Real name: Arnold Wesker
First appearance: Detective Comics #583
Schtick: Meek, arguably mediocre ventriloquist who either has multiple personalities or is bent to the whim of an evil ventriloquist dummy carved from gallows wood
Why we won't see him: Conceivable but ultimately ridiculous. Reread his schtick.
So there you have it. Ten reasons the comics are better. When you're stuck with a decidedly non-Arabic Ra's al Ghul and white Bane, a grim and gritty world where Batman could really exist seems a little less exciting compared to gangster dummies, vengeful ex-sidekicks and sexy redheads that can crush you with a giant plant tendril.
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12:00 PM on 07.28.2014