April Fools Day 2012

Interview: Jeff Goldblum

Apr 01 // Maxwell Roahrig
Why did you decide today, of all days, to get in to the lucrative business of movie blogging? When I, uh, did those Apple ads back in the 90s, I got hooked on this ahh…internet. You know, it got so bad that uh, at one point on set, I had to have a computer, next to me whenever we weren't shooting, just so I could check up on the electronic bay. Recently, uh, I wanted to get in to something a little ahh….different, you could say. It's still movies, great, but I wanted a bit of a change. Why choose Flixist? Well, when I was working on the Jurassic Park, I got to really experience the plight of the…noble pterodactyl. Such a majestic creature… That and the ah, sense of um, camaraderie between the writers was something I couldn't umm, you know, find anywhere else. You have such an illustrious career, but I have to ask: How do you choose your roles? That's a very ah…interesting topic you bring up. You see, I not only choose a role based on the text, but ah…what will benefit my career, as well as my hmm…ever growing mind. When I was playing the ah…gang-banger in Death Wish, I actually studied the mind of a criminal. What I'm trying to say is that, I became a criminal. People actually ah, died by my hand on account of that film. So it's uh, a very creative process. That's the technique I've been using ever since I uh, became an actor, and it's worked ever since. I mean, you've seen Independence Day. But if all of that fails, what I usually do is uh, put them in the broom closet and light it on fire. The one that isn't completely um, illegible, is the one I choose. On a more personal topic, Mr. Goldblum, how are you so ridiculously good looking? Every morning I wake up and greet the day with a hearty breakfast of sunshine and penicillin. Anything after that is my god-given gift. Is Matt's analysis of your chest accurate? Yes. My mother raised me to promote peace, and I'd like to think that umm…my chest does that every day.
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You know, working in the same office as Jeff Goldblum, you learn a few things. He actually does love the peach pie. Jeff is also an avid jazz pianist, and during lunch today, he regaled us with some of his wonderful scatting....

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Jeff Goldblum replacing Geoff Goldbloom on Earth-2


Apr 01
// Hubert Vigilla
Starting April 3rd, Jeff Goldblum will replace Geoff Goldbloom, an actor from a parallel world that scientists refer to as "Earth-2." Goldbloom has starred in a number of successful films on Earth-2, including The Fly, Indepe...
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Jeff Goldblum replacing Mike Love of The Beach Boys


Apr 01
// Hubert Vigilla
On April 3rd, Jeff Goldblum will replace Mike Love of The Beach Boys for the band's upcoming reunion tour. The tour was announced after the reunited group played at this years Grammy's. The shows were intended to celebrate Th...
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Lucas digitally swapping Jar Jar Binks with Jeff Goldblum


Apr 01
// Bob Muir
Star Wars fans have long bemoaned the horror that is Jar Jar Binks. Strange-looking in 1999, completely dated compared to modern CGI, and ever annoying, he is the symbol for everything wrong with the Star Wars prequels. What'...

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Flixclusive: Jeff Goldblum was going to be The Hulk


Apr 01
// Geoff Henao
In a Flixclusive Interview with the Jurassic Park star, Mr. Jeff Goldblum admitted to being "95% set" to play Bruce Banner/The Hulk in the upcoming summer blockbuster, The Avengers. However, due to details that will be s...
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Jeff Goldblum replacing Ed Helms on The Office


Apr 01
// Hubert Vigilla
Starting April 3rd, Jeff Goldblum will replace Ed Helms on NBC's long-running sitcom The Office. Helms's character, Andy Bernard, became manager this season after the departure of Michael Scott (Steve Carell). Goldblum will p...

Princess Review: Earth Girls Are Easy

Apr 01 // Jenika Katz
Earth Girls Are Easy starts when two furry, uh, aliens, Wiploc (Jim Carrey) and Zeebo (Daman Wayans), get a signal of an Earth, well, uh, an exercise channel. They’ve been in space so long that the, ah, weirdly hairless Earth girls look incredibly, um, tempting. They zoom in on one bikini-clad girl in particular, and lose control of the ship in their attempt to, uh, to get a better look. Even their incredibly talented and, uh, handsome co-pilot, Mac (played by, well, the equally talented and handsome Jeff Goldblum), can’t get the ship on  track, and they crash right into an Earth, uh, swimming pool. The crash-causing, ah, babe is Valerie (Geena Davis), a manicurist in a, well, a sexless relationship with her fiance, Dr. Ted Gallagher (Charles Rocket). Normally she might be a bit, um, freaked out at an alien ship crashing in her pool, but as she’d just kicked Ted out for, uh, putting his stethoscope where it didn’t belong, she’s relatively, um, open to the idea of alien visitors. She swims out to see the ship and hits her head, and the, ah, heroic and absolutely fearless Mac bravely rescues her from the water. Realizing that these aliens are not here to - to harm Earth, Valerie sets out to have her pool drained so they can, ah, repair their ship and go home. It’ll take a while, so she takes the trio to her coworker, Candy (Julie Brown) for a, well, uh, a makeover. It turns out that the aliens are, um, super hot under all their fur, especially Mac, who looks fantastic no matter what he’s wearing. Candy convinces Valerie to, ah, take advantage of having hot guys around and to go out on the town. After a night of partying, Valerie realizes that the aliens are, um, charming in their own way, and Mac is an absolutely perfect dreamboat. She takes them home away from the, well, masses of women surrounding them and is getting them ready for bed when Ted comes home to apologize. He tries to attack the poor, sweet alien visitors and is, uh, carted off to jail. Mac soothes Valerie with his - his special alien love touch. You know which one I’m talking about. He used his penis. It’s huge.After an, uh, immensely satisfying night of lovemaking and, ah, odd post-coital alien dreams, Valerie wakes to find her pool drained. Wiploc and Zeebo head out for one last day of fun before they have to go home, with the, uh, the ever patient and valiant Mac following to keep them out of trouble. Ted comes back and, ah, proposes to Valerie, and she almost falls for it. The alien trio get back and see the former couple, um, rekindling the fire. In a desperate attempt to - to make the love of his life happy, Mac uses his, uh, sexy alien love touch on Valerie and Ted. It doesn’t work, and Valerie makes the right choice to run off with Mac to space.Sure, there are plenty of movies out there that, ah, teach girls that aliens are sex gods and clearly, um, superior to humans, but only Earth Girls Are Easy teaches them that- that handsome blue aliens named Mac will always treat them right. Why stay on Earth if there are smokin’ hot, uh, well-endowed aliens like Mac to run off with? Young girls will, um, understand what to do the moment they see a spaceship.Candy does not run off to space with hot aliens. What a whore.There is nothing like the, um, the bond between a girl and her magical blue sex friend.Overall, this is an, ah, ah, an excellent film for all ladies, and extraordinarily empowering. Also, that Jeff Goldblum must have a magnificent dong.  
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You know, uh, Disney princesses are terrible role models. What kind of message is it to tell a girl she should be- ah, royalty? She can’t be royalty. There aren’t many princes for her to, ah, marry. No, she needs ...

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Jeff Goldblum replacing Alan Rickman on Broadway


Apr 01
// Hubert Vigilla
Starting April 3rd, Jeff Goldblum will replace Alan Rickman in the Broadway play Seminar. The original cast of this production will have their final performance today at the Golden Theater. Here is a synopsis of the play, whi...
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Rumor: Twins threequel adding Jeff Goldblum to the mix


Apr 01
// Alec Kubas-Meyer
It seems that the good news just keeps coming. A mere three days after a Twins sequel, cleverly entitled Triplets, was officially announced, featuring modern comedic superstar Eddie Murphy (from such hits as Meet Dave, Norbit...
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Flixist is, ah, under new management, as they say


Apr 01
// Alex Katz
Hello there fellow, ah, Flixistentialists. Flixisticians? What exactly do you guys call yourselves? God, this is an awkward name. Anyway, hello, from your new publisher/editor in chief/CEO/head actor, Jeff Goldblum. Yes, you ...

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