Home Alone 5: Alone in the Dark (sadly not a joke)
2:00 PM on 03.16.2012
There will be a fifth Home Alone movie subtitled "Alone in the Dark." And the sun became as black as sack cloth, and the moon became as blood. ABC Family is resurrecting this franchise for no good reason. Most people are completely unaware that there was even a fourth Home Alone movie. (Info: made-for-television, first aired in 2002, with French Stewart squinting his way through the ordeal as one of the bandits.)
The story of this fifth film has something to do with a kid who moves from California to Maine. He thinks his new house is haunted and sets traps to catch ghosts, but he winds up doing bodily harm to burglars instead. One of the burglars is Malcolm McDowell, and I can't even bring myself to make a joke about that.
When I first saw this news, I secretly hoped it would just be a recreation of the first Home Alone using the awkward polygonal graphics and camera angles of the original Alone in the Dark game from 1992. Our own Maxwell Roahrig said Home Alone 5: Alone in the Dark should be directed by Uwe Boll. They could release the film abroad as Alone in the Dark III: Home Alone 5; and if Boll was at the helm, he might have been able to entice Sir Ben Kingsley to co-star alongside McDowell.
But really, if this was an Uwe Boll picture, I'd want Boll himself to star as the mischievous little s**t who hurts people. And so in the gallery is something Max made, which may also be an artifact from the multiverse -- evidence that somewhere, somehow, a better world exists.
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