I watched a clip of Rock of Ages so you don't have to
Are you looking forward to Rock of Ages? Hang on, let me stop you right there. If you were about to say, "Why yes!," then I've got some unfortunate news for you. You're an idiot. I'm sorry that I had to be the one to tell you this. I know it probably would have been easier coming from a family member or something that didn't threaten you sexually as much as I do. It's ok, though. There are millions of idiots just like you out there in the world. You don't have to be alone and scared about it any more. Right now, there are thousands of gatherings of idiots just waiting for you to join them. From a Tea Party rally to people that unironically read 50 Shades of Grey for their local book club, there's a gathering of dimbulbs, twits, and derps within five miles of your home or office that will accept you for what you are: a complete and utter idiot. Rock of Ages releases this Friday for idiots in theaters everywhere. Let Rock of Ages gently guide you into the larger world of the socially-apt moron. Did you know? You can now get daily or weekly email notifications when humans reply to your comments.
8:00 AM on 05.13.2013 Theater manager hires cosplay gunmen for Iron Man 3In Jefferson City, Missouri, Capital 8 Theaters manager Bob Wilkins had one of the dumbest ideas ever for a publicity stunt. Wilkins hired cosplayers dressed as Iron Man and armed (!) S.H.I.E.L.D. agents to storm a screening...
2:00 PM on 04.01.2013 There may be little to no blood in World War ZGreetings yet again, friends and-and-and countrymen. First, let me be a little bird real quick -- tweet, uh, tweet. I hear Flixist is now trying to open a small store in Newbridge, New South Wales, Australia and in Newbridge,...
8:00 AM on 02.19.2013 Kevin Smith considers Clerks sequel book rather than filmKevin Smith has been mulling a Clerks sequel for a bit. At the end of 2012, it seemed like the only missing piece was Jeff Anderson (Randall) signing on. But then the project kept morphing, from a film, to a web series, to a ...
4:00 PM on 11.05.2012 WB interested in Casablanca 2, incites global facepalmingA long-standing joke about creatively soulless Hollywood executives has a young buck standing up and proposing a sequel to the 1942 Humphrey Bogart/Ingrid Bergman classic, Casablanca. Inevitably, that joke is now threatening ...
11:00 AM on 10.26.2012 There's a Hobbit-themed menu at Denny's for some reasonOne year way back when I was an undergrad, I spent a lot of time at Denny's in the wee hours of the morning. It was close to my dorm, it was quiet enough, and it made for great people-watching. Example: one of the waitresses...
8:00 AM on 10.09.2012 New Bloodsport will not feature blood and/or sportsRemember when Jean Claude Van Damme, the god of badass splits himself, said that he wouldn't mind appearing in the Bloodsport reboot but no one contacted him? I remember thinking, "That's odd, it would only make the new ...
12:00 PM on 10.08.2012 Trailer: Tarzan 3DOnce you get past the German, since Tarzan 3D is releasing internationally in 2013 and does not yet have a domestic release date (with good reason), you get some really bad looking motion capture animation. Tarzan jaggedly c...
3:00 PM on 10.05.2012 Hungry Hungry Hippos is a movie, apocalypse to followRemember that time you read about Battleship, Monopoly and Stretch Armstrong being picked up for movie adaptations and snorted 'Yeah, when are they getting started on Hungry Hungry Hippos? Amiright?!' Hollywood just called your bluff, b*tch. [via LA Times]
1:00 PM on 10.02.2012 Liam Neeson admits Taken franchise has run its courseThe first Taken was an experience. Somehow all of the stars aligned and made the whole thing so badass, that we're getting a sequel. Admittedly the sequel has an intriguing premise (bad guys are angry and Neeson for bein...
8:00 PM on 09.27.2012 Bay is coming back to Transformers to keep it for himselfWith Michael Bay's off again on again relationship with the Transformers franchise, it ended up being no surprise that he decided to direct Trannies 4, the reboot/not reboot sequel. The worst thing about all of this...
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