Fifty Shades Darker Director: James Foley Release Date: February 10, 2017 Rating: R
So, I'm going to pretend I did! Wait. This is too difficult. I just can't.
The truth is that I was forbidden to see Fifty Shades Darker with my lady friend. She refused to allow me to come, for fear that my snickering would mar the otherwise beautiful experience. I do snicker both obnoxiously and with volume--I can hardly blame her. In point of fact, I wouldn't dare blame her. I'm sure I was done a favor.
Once upon a time, long long ago, in this very same galaxy, I ridiculed Twilight (both book and movie) without remorse. However, I'd never read the book or seen the movie, and thought perhaps, I was a hypocrite. This premise established, I read Twilight, at approximately 3 times the speed (average reading velocity) of Atlas Shrugged (which I was reading at the same time).
If anything, I'd been being generous in my earlier critiques. It was worse than expected. I won't make the same mistake here. My relentless mockery of Fifty Shades and all its friends will continue, unfounded, without research, for all eternity, and my conscience shall remain clear.