The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Snaxist: Denny's Hobbit Menu

7:00 PM on 12.11.2012 // Nick Valdez

"You shall not pass...through my arteries gracefully."

[Snaxist is all about the food. Specifically, movie endorsed food. We'll stuff our faces, destroy our bodies, point out why or why not eating endorsed foods is a good idea, and write about it all for your entertainment!] 

Companies cross promote all of the time. Sometimes it makes sense...and sometimes it doesn't. Every once in a while, you'll get a byproduct of those cross promotions that makes so little sense, you just need to write about it. Snaxist is Flixist's brand new segment where we'll discuss food that is supposed to advertise how delicious a movie is. 

Do you know what's releasing this weekend (Dec. 14)? That's right folks, the first film in the much talked about Hobbit trilogy! In anticipation of that release, Denny's has being running a special "Hobbit-ized" menu for the lesser part of a month now (maybe you've seen the awful commercial) up until early January. 

For you fine readers of the site, Max Roahrig (RIP) and I decidedly devoured a few of the special menu's offerings. While we couldn't eat everything (since we aren't machines or Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec), we did get a good chunk of the massive menu. Read on for our "impressions" of these "fine delicacies." 

Hobbit-Hole Breakfast

Once you get past all of the giggling (haha, I ate the Hobbit-Hole), as well as my bad photography and lighting, the breakfast isn't too bad. I'm going to go ahead and consider myself lucky since I can see where things could go severely wrong if you went to the wrong Denny's ("let's not go to that one, let's go to the good one") or went at the wrong time of day. Those big yellow things are hamburger buns with shredded cheese that were toasted with a nice poached egg in the middle. As for the egg itself, it was cooked nicely since it didn't leak until I sliced it (a sign of a good poached egg). Since I'm assuming those are the "Hobbit-Holes," I'm glad they came out nicely. The rest of the meal wasn't anything to write home about though. You get hash browns covered in melted cheese and bacon, two crispy bread things, and a few slices of bacon. For what I paid, the meal was pretty good if only a bit heavy (all that grease!) - Nick Valdez

Shire Sausage Skillet

This a breakfast truly meant for a Hobbit. A big sizzling skillet loaded with eggs your way, seasoned potatoes, peppers, mushrooms, onions, and topped with cheese. Oh, and there's also a big-ass bratwurst on the side. I really didn't know what to expect going in, but I have to say, this is probably the best breakfast item on Denny's menu. Sure, it's Denny's, and sure, it's very greasy. But this is the ultimate hangover breakfast. I really wish Denny's would add this to their regular menu, as I could see myself actually going to the restaurant if they offered this regularly. - Max Roahrig

Lonely Mountain Treasure

My stomach was severaly slowing down at this point and the "Lonely Mountain Treasure" didn't necessarily help matters. They're these little lemon and poppy seed squares served with a side of frosting. Yeah, frosting. I got these instead of that awesome cookie shake because they were out of cookies, so that was strike one. Strike two was that the squares kept breaking apart in the frosting. Strike three was that the frosting didn't go well with the lemon squares at all. Even if the flavors did go together, the frosting was so overpowereing (even if you just dab it) that it didn't matter what the square tasted like. To be fair, I have had a vendetta against lemon for quite some time now. You might like them (they were baked well), but I just couldn't stand all the lemon. - Nick Valdez

Bilbo's Berry Smoothie

I've never really understood smoothie culture. It's yogurt and fruit blended together. Frozen yogurt with toppings is ultimately more rewarding and fulfilling to my tummy, so why should I drink it through a straw like a heathen? When I ordered the berry smoothie, I was expecting some decent fruit flavor to be mellowed out by the creaminess of the yogurt. Instead, the mixture was vaguely flavored berries of indeterminate origin, with yogurt, and served in a glass. I'm sure it'd be refreshing during a hot summer's day, but devouring one during the bitter chill of a midwestern winter? It's not that great. Avoid the berry smoothie, and opt for a glass of juice. At least there, you can taste "fruit". - Max Roahrig

Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies

Since the Lemon Mountain kind of wore me down, I wasn't sure how my stomach would respond to the Red Velvet hush puppies. Surprisingly, it went quite well. They look and feel the same as normal hush puppies, but are full of red cakey goodness with a plop of stuff in the middle (all technical terms, I promise you). They're also covered in powdered sugar and the same frosting as the Lemon Mountain. My one complaint however would be that a few of them were a little burnt. So...that didn't taste good. I ended up taking these home (as well as Lemon Mountain) after eating two of them. I just couldn't take any more. EDIT: They are still in my fridge and have become cold, tasteless rocks. - Nick Valdez

Think about this everyone. We love you all so much that we're willing to destroy our bodies for you. I'm still feeling the meal, and it's been like twenty hours. Truth be told, I have been on a diet until now. Anyhoo, if you enjoyed Snaxist's first post and think we should tackle the rest of the menu (there are three or four more plates), just leave an awesome comment below! Better yet, if you have any suggestions for future Snaxist posts, fell free to email me at [email protected] or tweet me a Twitter thing @Valdezology! 

Nick Valdez, News Editor
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Nick Valdez likes chick flicks, dick flicks, kid flicks, and skin flicks. Someone also let him be News Editor here.  more   |   staff directory

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