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This is why we cant have nice things

Review: The Emoji Movie

Jul 28 // Drew Stuart
The Emoji Movie tells the tale of Gene, a 'meh' emoji who unbeknownst to his fellow emoji's in Textopolis, can experience more than one emotion. Unfortunately, when he's called upon to make his 'meh' face at the users request, he freaks out and makes the wrong face. Gene is then forced out of Textopolis, and embarks on a quest with his buddy Hi-5 and hacker Jailbreak to become normal like all the other emoji's. The setup is trite from the very beginning, and becomes more mundane the further along the story progresses. You already know all of the beats; our characters form a plan to solve their problems, the villain sends a force to stop them, they clash, one of the characters gets separated from them, the main character decides to rescue them instead of heading straight for their goal, blah blah blah. I could go on, but it's honestly not necessary; if you've seen a kids movie in the last 20 years, then you've seen The Emoji Movie. I've heard some people say that The Emoji Movie borrows steals lot of ideas from Inside Out, and that's just not true. Emoji also rips several ideas from Toy Story, The Lego Movie, and even Shrek. Situations are recreated almost verbatim from these movies, only serving to bore and annoy the audience even further. And it's not like Emoji needs any help with that; the humor and is so atrocious that I almost feel guilty calling this film a comedy. Here's what the 'comedy' amounts to; emoji's simply calling each other by their emoji names, or acting slightly different to each other depending on what emoji they are. That's really it. There's no humor that's so bad it becomes funny, or dialogue that you can ridicule. I didn't hear a single laugh from any of the children in the theater. Nothing. This movie is shamelessly hackneyed and vapid; it cannot be laughed at because it can't understand that it's being made fun of. It is impervious to snide criticism and witty retorts. All you can do is embrace The Emoji Movie, before shoving a pillow into its face. Without comedy, and without plot, the element that is thrust into the forefront of the viewers minds is the concept. And if you'd like me to elaborate on that, now's the time where I'd like to inform all the passengers along for today's flight that, as the title entails, this is in fact a review for The Emoji Movie, and you should be well aware by now that the concept is, on it's face, a bad one. I understand the motive behind it; The Lego Movie made more dough than a Three-Star michelin bakery, and Sony wants a piece of that pie, but it isn't gonna happen with something like Emoji's. The reason being that kids and adults alike adore Legos for their inherent creativity and playful, easy design, which incidentally lends itself incredibly well to a kids movie based around the theme of creativity and being yourself. The other reason being that no one cares about emoji's. Trying to make an emoji movie is such a blatant consumerism-driven cash-grab that I'm astounded Sony had the balls to even try it. Hell, in the opening narration, the movie acknowledges that emoji's only exist because people suck, specifically because they're lazy and don't want to type out their complete thoughts in a text message. So why would anyone even consider making a movie like this? I don't know. The point is, the concept of an emoji-based movie sucks.  Now, here's a weird bit of criticism I never thought I would have to say aloud: Did the entire cast phone in their performances? Sure, you might know that T.J. Miller, Steven Wright and Patrick Stewart were coaxed into this movie, but did you know that, *ahem*, Anna Faris, James Corden, Maya Rudolph, Jennifer Coolidge, Christina Aguilera, Sofia Vergara and more lend their voices to this project? No? Neither did I, until I glimpsed the cast list as I sulked out of the theater. Why do none of these people sound like themselves? Why even hire them if their voices are that unrecognizable? I just don't know. On top of the terrible plot, the terrible concept, and the terrible acting, all of the sensory elements in this movie suck too. The animation lacks any style or visual flair, (as is to be expected) but worse is how little detail there is in the animation. There are points where characters look blurry or unfinished, and nearly all of the backgrounds are painfully copied and pasted as needed. You can see this quite plainly if you compare the trailers to the movie; there are scenes in the trailer that occur in other settings in the final cut of the movie. It feels borderline amateur. Even worse has got to be the music. You'd think that Sony with all of it's music rights would plug today's pop-radio garbage into The Emoji Movie, but that's not the case. Instead, they plugged 2012's pop-radio garbage into The Emoji Movie. Did Sony not believe in this movie either? Why does this exist? Why am I here? You don't need me to tell you this movie is terrible. Just look at it. Some asshole at Sony actually thought this would be a good idea, and somehow convinced a bunch of other assholes to make this putrid movie. The Emoji Movie was farted into existence for the express purpose of seeing if they could do it. And now we all have to sit in its stink. 
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To live is to suffer
You know, for the longest time I thought that this movie was a joke. Something invented by film producers to have a laugh. A prank that writers bounced around, but never dared to seriously consider, lest their career be stamp...

Mega Man photo
Mega Man

There's a Mega Man movie on the way from the 'Catfish' directors for some reason


'You got me there.'
Jul 19
// Nick Valdez
With the kinds of properties getting film adaptations lately, like Sonic the Hedgehog, Gears of War, Detective Pikachu, Streets of Rage, and even friggin' Tetris, some properties slip through the cracks. First annou...
Power Rangers photo
Power Rangers

Castlevania showrunner wants to do an R rated Power Rangers cartoon


Adi Shankar up to his old tricks
Feb 10
// Nick Valdez
Adi Shankar, who was recently revealed to be part of an animated Castlevania series on Netflix, is no stranger to weird, violent projects. Known in fan circles for his "Bootleg Universe," he's made fan films based on Venom, T...
Power Rangers photo
Power Rangers

The Power Rangers reboot Megazord is a f**king mess


ugh
Nov 05
// Nick Valdez
The upcoming Power Rangers reboot may be releasing in five months, but we've only been shown one tiny teaser for it. When pressed about new footage at the NYCC panel, director Dean Isrealite stated they were saving a lot of t...

Brooklyn Drafthouse delay photo
Brooklyn Drafthouse delay

Opening of Brooklyn Alamo Drafthouse delayed indefinitely, there's something in my eye


Dammit
Aug 26
// Hubert Vigilla
Aww man, what a bummer. As you may recall, Brooklyn was set to have its own Alamo Drafthouse this summer, which would have made up for the Upper Westside Alamo Drafthouse getting nixed. Turns out we really can't have good thi...
Shrek  photo
Shrek

Hey now, Shrek 5 is set for 2019


someBODY
Jul 21
// Nick Valdez
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop comingFed to the rules and I hit the ground runningDidn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do, so much to seeSo what's wrong with taking the back streets?You'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glow Shrek is love. Shrek is life. [via THR]
Tetris Trilogy photo
Tetris Trilogy

Tetris is getting a big budget, Chinese trilogy


Form rows in the theater for points
May 17
// Nick Valdez
This year we have four videogame adaptations hitting theaters and there's no sign of stopping anytime soon. The only problem with this is none of these films look particularly gripping with Warcraft, Assassin's Creed, an...
Sornic photo
Sornic

Sonic the Hedgehog getting a live action/CG movie


Gotta go faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast
Feb 11
// Nick Valdez
With Sega's Sonic the Hedgehog series reaching its 25th anniversary, Sega is looking for all sorts of ways to celebrate everyone's favorite to hate hedgehog. Along with a potential new game, Sega's CEO, Hajime Satomi, announc...

Don't bother with MTV's Scream TV Series

Aug 04 // Nick Valdez
We're at the halfway point in the series (episode six is premiering later this evening), and I feel like I'm hate watching just to see how much worse things could get. This completely goes against the showrunners' initial philosophy of getting the viewers at home to care about the characters as much as possible before offing them one by one. It's also a terrible way to watch slasher films. When you start rooting for the killer themselves, the film isn't taken very seriously. Take mid-franchise Nightmare on Elm Street, for example. When those films started making themselves all about Freddy's antics (and only served to develop his personality rather than any of his victims), the goofy tone made it a horror franchise in name only. While there's definitely an audience for that kind of property, it's definitely not what MTV's Scream wants.  But I don't know where it all went wrong. Things started off sort of promising in the pilot episode (written by film series writer Kevin Williamson), but that episode was full of so many problems. Pointed dialogue, archetypes, and its intro, while well done, only mirrored the series' openings thus far. It seemed adapting the films was a fool's errand as Scream 4 completely destroyed its own existence already. The fourth film already did what you'd expect a modern Scream to do: used new technologies in an interesting way, break down existing archetypes, and establish a new status quo (which was, hilariously, the old one). So when the TV series seemed to be taking a step back, it already lost. It would've been fine had any of its new choices felt compelling.  What are those new choices? Existing in a universe completely separated from the films (its yet to be confirmed if the "Stab" movies exist, so I'll assume this is just a new timeline or something), it's set in a town named Lakewood where a killer named Brandon James once terrorized kids in a high school. The new Ghostface's mask is based on that guy's face, too. So the main mystery of the series is figuring out how much this new set of deaths has to do with the old one. But, five episodes in, I don't care about any of it. Everyone in this show is terrible. Terrible characters make for good TV all the time, but that's when there's adequate drama to be mined from their poor decisions. Here it just seems like there's some deficiency in each character's core that causes a disconnect with the audience. It doesn't help that there's a noticeable drop in quality in each episode where someone doesn't die.  For as many missteps Scream has had, there's definitely some hope. With only a few episodes to go before season end, there's plenty of potential for the show to hit that "so bad, it's good" sweet spot. Episode three "Wanna Play a Game?" was great in that regard. It was so bad, all of the terrible decisions actually coalesced into a great sequence. Spoiler, I guess if you still want to watch this show despite me asking you not to, one girl dies while facetiming and her last words are "I can see the stars." It's magical, and the series has yet to bring that same kind of ingenuity to the table again. I'm hoping that it'll happen once more, but that's a thin hope. It's like hoping the garbage doesn't smell so bad after you've been forced to take in it so many times.  [embed]219713:42526:0[/embed] It might be gauche to judge a TV series based on a few episodes (judge the first one posted above for yourself), but I really tried to stick it out. After MTV announced it's getting a second season, I really don't see this working out. Unless it means we'll be getting a brand new cast and story each season, with some returning characters a la the Scream sequels, I can't see this show continuing. There's a semblance of an endgame in sight, but it's going to be quite a struggle to get there.  So why even struggle? Don't bother with this at all. 
MTV's Scream photo
Do you like scary TV shows? I'm sorry.
Back when MTV first announced they were developing a pilot based on the Scream films, I thought it was a great idea. I have a huge fondness for the films themselves, and barring Scream 3, no other series did more for the slas...

Pez photo
Pez

Pez is getting a movie for some reason


Aug 03
// Nick Valdez
SERIOUSLY WHO IS DOING THIS TO US? F**king Smarties would've made a better movie than this. Or Fruit Stripe. Or Runts. Or basically every other terrible candy.  “PEZ Candy is beloved by children and adults alike, with Cameron Fay we’ve created a world unique to Pez and a story that will touch the hearts of many.” UGH WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [via Collider]
Sword in the Chest photo
Sword in the Chest

Disney also working on live action Sword in the Stone remake


More like Sword in the Chest
Jul 21
// Nick Valdez
Just after announcing their plans for a live action Aladdin prequel, Disney is literally just redoing all of movies now. Why not Aristocats next? Or a super depressing Fox and the Hound? Hell, give me a live action Goof Troop...
Genie  photo
Genie

Disney working on live action Aladdin prequel, Genies


...what.
Jul 16
// Nick Valdez
We're going to get a lot of live action reboots of our favorite animated reboots of old fairy tales in the near future. Disney is working on a fair amount of them themselves (like Pete's Dragon, The Jungle Book, Beauty and th...
Denny's Fant4stic Menu photo
It's sloberrin' time
If you're new to the site, there's one thing you should really know about us. We like terrible ideas. Although we'll rip a bad film apart in a review, we all secretly love what they do for cinema. Namely, we get weird ideas l...

50 Shades photo
50 Shades

E.L. James' husband writing Fifty Shades sequel


Apr 23
// Nick Valdez
I understand giving an author some say over their book's adaptation, but this is getting ridiculous. It seems that the production of these films is so awful, any of the slightly talented people involved are being chased off b...
Spider-Man again photo
Spider-Man again

Lord and Miller working on an animated Spider-Man film


Apr 23
// Nick Valdez
It seems like I'm talking about Spider-Man every other day, so I care a little less every time. But you know what brings me back into the fold? Chris Miller and Phil Lord, the guys who're pretty much involved with every movie...
Pinocchio photo
Pinocchio

Disney also making a live action Pinocchio


No strings attached
Apr 09
// Nick Valdez
Cartoons are getting live action remakes so often, we're going to need a new term for it. I'm thinking "live-actioning." Not the easiest word to say, but I'll just keep using it until someone suggests a better one (do so in t...
Five Nights Movie photo
Five Nights Movie

Warner Bros developing Five Nights at Freddy's movie


Apr 08
// Nick Valdez
Every day I get a bit older, and every time something like this happens, that fact really sinks in. In less than a year, Scott Cawthon's Five Night's at Freddy's videogame series (which follows a night security guard watching...
Play-D'oh photo
Play-D'oh

Fox, Paul Feig, and Hasbro are working on a Play-Doh movie for some reason


D'oh!
Apr 07
// Nick Valdez
So with everything under the sun getting a big screen adaptation these days, it's high time for Play-Doh to get in the game. No, really. No, seriously. Like, really really. According to Deadline, Hasbro approached Fox and Pau...
Refueled Trailer photo
Refueled Trailer

First trailer for The Transporter Refueled is re-diculous


Transponster!
Mar 20
// Nick Valdez
I totally forgot this was a thing that was happening. I remember seeing rumblings of a Transporter reboot trilogy, but I could've sworn it was a far away idea. Either way we're stuck with this low rent Jason Statham, and try...
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Sharknado 3 has a title


Third movie in SyFy straight-to-TV franchise will air July 22
Mar 18
// Matt Liparota
You'd think two movies about weather-related shark attacks would be more than enough to last the human race until our surely-impending end, but sometimes the world is a funny place. Despite all logic, a third Sharknado f...
Ghostbusters photo
Ghostbusters

Sony is planning a big Ghostbusters universe


It's Gozer not GozHER.
Mar 10
// Nick Valdez
If the latest news of Paul Feig's upcoming Ghostbusters film (featuring a cast of awesome ladies) somehow rubbed you the wrong way because Dude Ghostbusters looked like Lady Ghostbusters, don't worry Sony's got your back. Dea...
Ouija  photo
Ouija

Ouija 2 is happening because money


Ugh
Jan 19
// Nick Valdez
It may not have been a good film, or even entertaining, but Ouija is going to get a sequel on top of its already bare bones story because it made near $85 million dollars from its slim $5 million dollar budget.  In an in...

Here are your 2015 Razzie nominations

Jan 15 // Nick Valdez
Worst PictureKirk Cameron’s Saving ChristmasLeft BehindThe Legend of HerculesTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTransformers: Age of Extinction Worst ActorKirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving ChristmasNicholas Cage, Left BehindKellan Lutz, The Legend of HerculesSeth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the WestAdam Sandler, Blended Worst Supporting ActorMel Gibson, Expendables 3Kelsey Grammer, Expendables 3, Legends of Oz, Think Like a Man Too, Transformers: Age of ExtinctionShaquille O’Neal, BlendedArnold Schwarzenegger, Expendables 3Kiefer Sutherland, Pompeii Worst Actress Drew Barrymore, BlendedCameron Diaz, The Other Woman and Sex TapeMelissa McCarthy, TammyCharlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the WestGaia Weiss, The Legend of Hercules Worst Supporting ActressCameron Diaz, AnnieMegan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesNicola Peltz, Transformers: Age of ExtinctionSusan Sarandon, TammyBrigitte Ridenour (née Cameron), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas Worst DirectorMichael Bay, Transformers: Age of ExtinctionDarren Doane, Kirk Cameron’s Saving ChristmasRenny Harlin, The Legend of HerculesJonathan Liebesman, Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesSeth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or SequelAnnieAtlas Shrugged: Who Is John Galt?The Legend of HerculesTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTransformers: Age of Extinction Worst Screen ComboAny Two Robots, Actors (Robotic Actors), Transformers: Age of ExtinctionKirk Cameron & His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving ChristmasCameron Diaz & Jason Segel, Sex TapeKellan Lutz & Either His Abs, His Pecs or His Glutes, The Legend of HerculesSeth MacFarlane & Charlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the West Worst ScreenplayKirk Cameron’s Saving ChristmasLeft BehindSex TapeTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTransformers: Age of Extinction Redeemer AwardBen Affleck, from Gigli to Argo and Gone GirlJennifer Aniston, from four-time Razzie nominee to CakeMike Myers, from The Love Guru to directing SupermenschKeanu Reeves, from six-time Razzie nominee to John WickKristen Stewart, from six-time Razzie winner for Twilight to Camp X-Ray
2015 Razzie Noms photo
Eh, yup
To completely offset the Academy Awards nominations from earlier this morning, here we have the opposite end of the spectrum. As usual, the 2015 Razzie noms (narrowed down from the shortlist a bit ago) are really just based o...

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Someone has already gotten a Star Wars: Episode VII tattoo


Dec 02
// Nick Valdez
"That guy's gonna be the shit! I'm telling you!" [via Buzzfeed UK and @ibreckon]
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20th Century Fox greenlights Independence Day sequel


Welcome back to Earth!
Dec 01
// Jonathan Wray
After an extended period of will-they-or-won't-they, it looks like they've finally made a decision. 20th Century Fox has finally given the Independence Day sequel the green light! As of right now, there's nobody off...
Paul Blartwo photo
Paul Blartwo

First official trailer for Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2


Nov 14
// Nick Valdez
WHO DID THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?????????
Spooderman photo
Spooderman

Rumor: Sony is coming up with a bunch of random Spider-Man movie ideas


Nov 12
// Nick Valdez
We like to steer clear of most rumors here on Flixist because if we told you all about each one, we'd be writing about outlandish stuff every day. But Sony's discussing so many crazy Spider-Man movies, we gotta talk about 'em...
50 Shades photo
50 Shades

Jamie Dornan won't go the full monty for Fifty Shades of Grey


Fifty Shades of Pe- sorry
Nov 04
// Nick Valdez
Although I may not be one of the many folks eagerly anticipating Fifty Shades of Grey, the first trailer for the adaptation drew quite a bit of attention. Whether or not I agree with its use of Sado Masochism, I kind of have ...
Grumpy Cat Trailer photo
Grumpy Cat Trailer

Trailer for Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever exists


Nov 03
// Nick Valdez
Lifetime movies sure have gone downhill. Let's hope this doesn't involve the domestic, sexual, alcoholic abuse normally found on the station that (not) surprisingly doesn't use the "Television for Women" mantra as much as it...
Jingle 2 photo
Jingle 2

First teaser for Jingle All the Way 2


Nov 03
// Nick Valdez
You know how Larry the Cable Guy rolls his eyes at the end of the teaser? That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. Thank Jebus it's only thirty seconds long...and direct to DVD. At least it's easier to avoid that way. P...
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Aubrey Plaza to voice Grumpy Cat in upcoming Grumpy Cat movie


Sep 18
// Liz Rugg
Look, the world doesn't need a Grumpy Cat movie. Grumpy Cat was fun for like a week in 2012. Besides, basically all cats are grumpy, that's why they're so great. Anyway, regardless of what I think, a Grumpy Cat Lifetime Chris...
WB/DC photo
No jokes for the DC folks?
Folks, superhero movies are dumb. I don't care how many famous actors fill the roles, how many Oscars you think a performance should get, how many famous directors take on the stories, or how gritty each series is, superhero ...

Space Invaders photo
Space Invaders

Now we're getting a Space Invaders movie


"Invaders! Possibly from space!"
Jul 21
// Nick Valdez
Next up in the long line of turning random properties into movies because sometimes they make money, is Space Invaders. Back when Warner Bros first acquired the rights for a movie adaptation of the Taito arcade game, they tri...
Enchanted 2 photo
Enchanted 2

Enchanted 2 is still happening because money


Jul 03
// Nick Valdez
Wait..."still"? Yes, a sequel to the 2007 Disney Princess film Enchanted has been in the works for some time now, but it hasn't progressed passed the "it should happen" stage. But now that Frozen was a mega hit for Disney, th...
Spring Breaker2 photo
Spring Breaker2

Spring Breakers is getting a sequel because money


Spring Break truly is forever
May 07
// Nick Valdez
Because of its success on home video, talk of a sequel to last year's Spring Breakers has begun. The film, officially titled Spring Breakers: The Second Coming, won't involve Harmony Korine (writer and director of the origina...
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Green Acres will be a movie


Official confirmation of remakes dying a slow death incoming
May 05
// Matthew Razak
Did you grow up with fond memories of the sitcom Green Acres gracing your television screen? Maybe as a kid you caught it on Nick at Night and thought it was kind of funny. It really wasn't. It was terrible, and now it's...
Spider-Man 2 photo
Spider-Man 2

You'll have to Shazam Alicia Keys to get Spider-Man 2's real post-credits tease


What goes around comes around, what goes up must come down, now who's cryin?
May 01
// Nick Valdez
For all of you going to see The Amazing Spider-Man 2 this weekend, know two things. First, the mid-credits scene of the film is a commercial for X-Men: Days of Future Past due to hilarious contractual obligations, and second,...
Justice League photo
Justice League

Cyborg also in Batman vs. Superman apparently


Superman vs. Everyone
Apr 25
// Nick Valdez
The still without an official title (that we've been dubbing Batman vs. Superman for simplicity's sake) sequel to Man of Steel adds yet another character. Joining Henry Cavill as Superman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Ben Aff...
Twoonies photo
Twoonies

The Goonies is most likely getting a sequel


The Twoonies
Apr 07
// Nick Valdez
Talk of a sequel to The Goonies has yet to say die. Years of rumors, failed scripts, and Broadway musical dreams have finally come to a head as TMZ caught up with Richard Donner (director of the original) and he stated a sequ...
Pink Panther photo
Pink Panther

MGM wants a live action/CGI Pink Panther to exist for some reason


Apr 03
// Nick Valdez
MGM is once again trying to bring back long lost franchises for some reason. The Pink Panther is definitely a series that's struggled to keep afloat after the death of Peter Sellers (who played Detective Clouseau in the origi...

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