sequels

2oolander photo
Water is the essence of wetness...
We've known about Zoolander 2 for quite some time, but after its cool release date announcement we never got a look at the film until now. This brief teaser is all too brief since it doesn't give us a look at the actual film...

Review: Vacation

Jul 30 // Matthew Razak
VacationDirectors: John Francis Daley, Jonathan M. GoldsteinRated: RRelease Date: July 29, 2015 [embed]219710:42514:0[/embed] First off lets give props where props are due. New Line could have geared this film for a PG-13 rating to pull in more people, but they didn't (as Hemsworth's wang below shows). They kept it R like the original and for that they should be applauded because the R-rated comedy is a dying breed. It was a signal that the this new Vacation might just pull itself up by its own boot straps and be funny. The signal got a little diluted. The movie picks up years after the original films. Rusty (Ed Helms) is all grown up, and even more out of touch with his own family than his dad was. His wife, Debbie (Christina Applegate) and kids James (Skyler Gisondo) and Kevin (Steele Stebbins) hate the normal cabin vacation they go on so Rusty decides he'll pack everyone into a car and recreate his family's trip to Wally World. That one went pretty poorly as we all may remember, but they're doing it again. In fairness the film is blatantly forward about the fact that it's a remake and that takes some of the sting out of the copped comedy from the original. There is something refreshingly old school about Vacation's comedy. It feels a bit out of date in its gross out site gags and senseless punchlines. Honestly, it's a bit refreshing in a land of comedies that take themselves too seriously or have forgotten how to properly kick a guy in the nuts for comic effect. Slapstick is a sadly dying art. The problem is that Vacation doesn't really execute its slapstick that well. There are definitely moments when the movie pulls off some solid comedy, but it too often feels forced. The film constantly seems to want to push boundaries with its comedy, but never checks to see if that boundary is worth breaking. The movie works here and there, but never long enough to make it any good. James and Kevin's relationship is actually pretty funny, but it pounds the same joke into the ground for far too long. Helms delivers a solidly oblivious father, but the family relations never feel real thanks to how dumb he is. You never get the connection you got with Chevy Chase's increasingly grumpy Clark Griswold. And not that continuity is something you'd expect in this case, but it's very unclear how the Rusty of the original films turned into the Rusty of this film. Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo's cameo is also horribly wasted making the connections to the original feel more like a cash grab than actual care. The biggest problem, however, is when Vacation goes way beyond where it should. It mocks murder, suicide and sexual abuse of a minor. I'm all for comedy being allowed to make fun of disturbing subjects; it's one of the ways we cope. The problem is when that comedy isn't funny. Vacations jokes in these departments fall horrendously flat meaning they're both offensive and unfunny. They're clearly trying to make themselves edgy, but they stink at doing it. It pushes the old school comedy into the background and turns the film into something more akin to a Scary Movie sequel. Vacation is a movie that no one wanted so its hard to say that it's a major disappointment. It can actually be funny at times, especially thanks the Helms being a funny person, but it's mostly just retreaded jokes and poorly delivered gross out comedy. The vacation from Vacation films really shouldn't have ended. 
Vacation Review photo
Vacation, all I never wanted
National Lampoon's Vacation is a comedy landmark. A boundary pushing bit of hilarity that stands the test of time and spawned two sequels funnier than the original (and Vegas Vacation). Of course National Lampoon has bee...

Dreams photo
Dreams

Edge of Tomorrow 2 being pitched by Tom Cruise


Live. Die. Repeat... again
Jul 29
// Matthew Razak
Without a doubt one of my favorite films of last year was Edge of Tomorrow (also known as Live. Die. Repeat.) It was a sleeper hit and delivered one of the more original sci-fi films we'd seen in a while. While the film'...
BvS Trailer photo
...and Wonder Woman!
I've been cautiously optimistic for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. There's lots to like (cool outfits, there's a great cast, the plot sounds like it fixes Man of Steel's biggest problem) and lots not to like (it looks li...

Ash Vs. Evil Dead Tailer photo
Bruce Campbell's still bad-Ash *rimshot*
The first full trailer for Starz's Ash vs. Evil Dead is out, and it looks way better than it has any right to look. Bruce Campbell is back as Ash, and they're playing up his schlubbiness, age, and cult persona to great effect...

Batffleck photo
Batffleck

Ben Affleck and Geoff Johns are working together on the next solo Batman film


Affleck to direct and write Affleck
Jul 10
// Nick Valdez
I'm guessing that before Ben Affleck agreed to appear as Batman in the upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice one of the stipulations was that he'd get to direct one of WB/DC's next films. Either that or Warner Bros just...
Alvin 4 Trailer photo
Alvin 4 Trailer

First official trailer for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip


AAALLLLLLLLVIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN (again)
Jul 08
// Nick Valdez
While you're waiting for next iteration of The Smurfs, Get Smurfy, there's another long running film series based off a popular old cartoon, Alvin and the Chipmunks. Their fourth (!) film, The Road Chip, takes the show on the...
IDR photo
IDR

Independence Day: Resurgence teaser from Jeff Goldblum


Well, ah, this is how they tease movies
Jul 07
// Matthew Razak
For some reason I am stupidly excited for Independence Day: Resurgence. Maybe it's just some wanton nostalgia, but I just feel like it's going to be good despite the fact that it's a remake to a decades old film and these thi...

Review: Ted 2

Jul 06 // Nick Valdez
[embed]219625:42462:0[/embed] Ted 2Director: Seth MacFarlaneRated: RRelease Date: June 26, 2015 In Ted 2, Ted the Teddy Bear (Seth MacFarlane) gets married and wants to start a family. But when he and Tammy-Lynn file for a potential surrogacy, Ted learns he's legally defined as property. Since he's not a person, he loses his job, his marriage is annulled, and he loses all manner of rights. He and his "Thunder Buddy" John (Mark Wahlberg) decide to fight the decision, enlisting the help of newly licensed lawyer, Sam Jackson (Amanda Seyfried). Then the film is filled with some marijuana infused shenanigans. dick jokes, and the occasional court scene as Ted tries to prove that he's truly human.  We try our best at Flixist to keep you folks out of the back end, but I've got to come at this straight on. Somehow, in some weird way, I'm always the one reviewing comedy sequels. Time and time again, I end up making the same point that one person's comedy trash is another person's comedy treasure. But I think I don't have to reiterate it with Ted 2. I'm sure everyone, regardless of taste in humor, will universally find the humor lacking. While most comedies will mine the humor from the story as the plot finds the funny in interactions between characters, this film relies on non-sequiturs. I'd hate to once again compare this film to other stuff MacFarlane's done, but like A Million Ways, Ted 2 has a lot of Family Guy sensibilities. Very little plot tied together with jokes that don't really belong. In fact, there's even a sperm donor joked ripped right from that show.  What's most unfortunate is there are definitely a few core concepts that would've worked wonders for the film had they been explored a bit further. Sure, I'm not supposed to expect some grand dissection of civil rights in the US but you can't present the idea as a major theme of the film and not elaborate on it further. It makes every tangent even more egregious. But I'm not sure how we wasted so much time since the film far out runs its course about two thirds of the way in. There are plenty of unfunny bits that could've been trimmed for time (most notably the scene in the trailers where they try and masturbate Tom Brady in order to steal his sperm), and lots of random side characters that could've been axed for brevity (like the overly bro gay couple that never go deeper than surface level "I hate nerds" jokes). And those corporate sponsorships? Did we really need a Hasbro executive as one of the villains or a final climax set at New York Comic Con?  If you were a fan of original like I was, I'm sure you're wondering whether or not the rapport between John and Ted is still strong. I'm happy to report that it's stronger than ever. One of the film's few redeeming qualities, Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane have settled into a groove that rarely feels forced. Although the writing between the two was better the first time around, the new routines the two show off are pretty funny. Although they're more examples of jokes that don't pertain to the plot (like the Law & Order or improv heckling gags), it doesn't matter when they're entertaining. Besides, Ted trying to get John back into the dating scene is a better fit for their quasi bro relationship. It's a shame that Amanda Seyfried gets dragged into this (I'm sure it's because of some favor or she genuinely enjoys working with MacFarlane for some reason) since all her character amounts to is a weed smoking failure who needs to ask for help from men more established in their careers.  With Ted 2 you get what you expect. Don't have expectations, and you won't be disappointed. I'm just tired of that criticism being an easy out for lazy comedy. This film just reeks of the same kind of absentmindedness you'd get from using the drug Ted loves so much. Caught in a haze of thick smoke, the humor struggles for air as joke after joke fails to land. Sure, you'll get one or two laughs overall but Ted 2 seriously lacks the humanity it wants you to believe it has.  There better not be a Ted 3 in the works. 
Ted 2 Review photo
No humanity
Say what you will about Seth MacFarlane, but the man knows how to stay in business. Despite many critics noting a decline in all of his television programs and his last effort A Million Ways to Die in the West died a million ...

London Has Fallen photo
London Has Fallen

First London Has Fallen teaser brings everything down


London, london, londy they go down like
Jul 02
// Nick Valdez
Although the two came out at the same time purely by coincidence, I couldn't help but prefer White House Down over Olympus Has Fallen. While Fallen gets more of the positive comments thanks to its break neck action, I liked t...
Transporter photo
Transporter

Official trailer for The Transporter Refueled only has half a tank


That is definitely not Jason Statham
Jul 02
// Matthew Razak
The first two Transporter films are some of my favorite examples of uber action, a kind of ridiculous fantasy world action that could only take place on the screen. Then the third one came along and things went down hill...
BvS HAIR photo
BvS HAIR

New batch of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice images have hair


LONG BEAUTIFUL HAIR
Jul 02
// Nick Valdez
While we've seen hi-gloss production images of the Batmobile and Baldy McBaldbald's and the like, we've never got a good look at the actual film beyond that first limp teaser. But with this new batch of character images of En...

Review: Magic Mike XXL

Jul 01 // Matthew Razak
[embed]219601:42455:0[/embed] Magic MikeDirector: Gregory JacobsRated: RRelease Date: June 25, 2015  You know how Magic Mike (Channing Tatum) got out of the grind (pun intended) and left to start his own furniture business at the end of the first film? Well, screw that. He's back. When the guys -- Big Dick Richie (Joe Manganiello), Tarzan (Kevin Nash), Ken (Matt Bomer) and Tito (Adam Rodriguez) -- show up in town on their way to a stripper convention Mike drops everything and joins them for one last ride. It seems that Dallas abandoned them so the group is breaking up, but not before one big fun trip to the biggest stripping event in Florida (a state I assume has a lot of stripping events). Plot kind of ensues and along the way the pick up an MC, Rome (Jada Pinkett Smith), hook up with Andie McDowell and see Michael Strahan perform a ridiculous strip. Who really cares, though. The point of this movie was clearly to push the mostly naked men and forget about the rest. The screenplay is paper thin and mostly consists of the gang of guys shooting the shit, which, in all fairness, is actually kind of entertaining. They're clearly ad-libbing a bunch and it lends some charm to a story that's non-existent. It also keeps you in on the joke so you don't have to care quite as much. Everyone seems to know why they're there and they're just having fun doing it. Unfortunately director Gregory Jacobs didn't get the fun memo and shoots the film like he's directing an art piece. He's trying to do his best replication of Soderbergh's direction from the original that he can, but it isn't the time or place and he doesn't have the skill. The strip numbers are a mess, sadly destroying a lot of the fantastic dancing pulled off by Tatum and his cohorts. The grand finale of abs, pecs and banana hammocks feels flat thanks to Jacobs' inability to build momentum or hold a scene together. What should be a bunch of fun starts feeling dragged out and sloppy.  Thankfully he can't crush the cast with his directing. Tatum is as Tatum does. The guy just oozes screen appeal and has actually pulled himself into a credible actor. Meanwhile Donald Glover joins the crew and delivers fantastically, though we never get the full abs show for him. The biggest surprise (pun still intended) is Manganiello) who takes a much larger role in the film and delivers wonderfully. Even Kevin Nash gets to talk a bit more this time around, which was nice of the filmmakers to do.  Sadly, the "road trip but with strippers" plot isn't enough to hold up the film from strip scene to strip scene, especially with the lackluster direction for those scenes. The guy's repartee may be fun, but everything else drags. There's attempted plot lines about love and life and moving on from stripping, but nothing ever clicks in any meaningful way. You get the feeling they're just saying this stuff because they had to put some more words into the screenplay. Every scene without men taking their clothes off feels wasted, except for Andie McDowell's cameo, which is fantastically dirty and fun.  That's really what you're going to see Magic Mike XXL for anyway so why care about all the rest? It is the equivalent of a Cinemax movie geared entirely towards showing mostly naked women off and it does that... except with men. If you want abs, strippers, thrusting loins and more dollar bills than you've ever seen before in a movie then Magic Mike XXL delivers. It's just too bad it couldn't deliver the entire package (pun totally intended). 
XXL Review photo
Abs-olutely what you expect
The first Magic Mike was a bit of a surprise. While it was obviously all about very in shape men dancing mostly naked Steven Soderbergh actually brought a little charm to it. The almost ad-libbed feeling the screenp...

Creed Trailer photo
Gonna fly now, gonna fly forever
Everyone's got that one film franchise that means more to them than anything. Some have Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park, and there's probably a few folks that really want more of Pixar's Cars. But me, I've got...

Review: Terminator - Genisys

Jul 01 // Sean Walsh
[embed]218671:42029:0[/embed] Terminator: GenisysDirector: Alan TaylorRated: PG-13Release Date: July 1, 2015 We all know the story: Savior of humanity John Connor (Jason Clarke) sends Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) back in time to prevent a terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from killing his mother Sarah (Emilia Clarke) before John is born. However, Kyle finds himself in a very different situation shortly after his arrival in 1984. What follows is a bit of timey-wimey shenanigans that only the Terminator franchise can provide. To say any more than that would really ruin the surprise. Do be warned going forward, however: I will say a little more. Fair warning. First off, you can barely tell that Arnold Schwarzenegger is sixty-seven years old. The man's charisma is absolutely infectious and seeing him in the leather jacket and sunglasses that made him a household name is like coming home again or putting on your favorite, well-worn pair of shoes. He's perfect. He's a finely-aged wine. He's Arnold Goddamn Schwarzenegger. He delivered every one of his lines with a delightfully robotic wit and I could honestly spend the rest of the review just talking about his performance but that's not very fair to the other people involved. While she's no Linda Hamilton (is anyone?), Emilia Clarke does well as the new Sarah Connor. She's a lot more well-adjusted to her situation than the Sarah Connor of yesteryear and is more than capable of protecting herself. Jai Courtney, who has come a long way since being super duper bland in A Good Day to Die Hard, is our Kyle Reese and I'll be honest: I'm for it. He didn't break new ground or completely change my movie-going experience or anything, but he was a sturdy male protagonist and when you're starring opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger, that's all you can ask for. Jason Clarke's John Connor was dark, brooding, and scared (inside and out) after thirty-someodd years of fighting Terminators and he really sold it. These four are joined by Matt Smith in a brief but significant role that was blissfully kept under wraps (unlike many other facets of the film courtesy of the bastardly second trailer) and J. K. Simmons in a more substantial but similarly all-too-brief role as a detective. Finally, and I would be remiss to forget him, Lee Byung-hun of I Saw the Devil and G. I. Joe fame plays the new T-1000. He is menacing and carried that same icy cool Robert Patrick had in T2: Judgment Day. I was really very surprised with the effects in Genisys. I expected them to look good but I'll be damned if they didn't look great. All of the Terminators and other Skynet enemies looking amazing, the liquid metal looked real and, most importantly, the battle between present-day Arnold and circa-1984 Arnold was incredible. To my admittedly untrained eye, there was zero uncanny valley and he looked fantastic. Springboarding off of the effects, the action was almost non-stop. From the final assault on Skynet in 2029 in the beginning of the film, the movie GOES. The aforementioned fight between two Arnolds, a handful of car chases, a pretty excellent battle against the T-1000, and a wonderful final battle; all of it was great. I don't think I rolled my eyes during any of these sequences and after the last two films, I think that's a very good thing.   The score was good but honestly, what else do you need to hear other than DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-DUN, DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-DUN in your Terminator movie? Most important, of course, is the writing. I don't want to say too much because of all the moments where I wish I hadn't seen that stupid second trailer or any TV spots or heard any ads on Spotify or seen half of the films' posters, but what I will say is that it was an awesome movie full of twists and turns and fortunately some surprises, which is impressive considering how hard they tried to ruin it with spoilers. There's some fun time-travel stuff and at one point i was like "Oh, it's like Terminator meets 12 Monkeys," but then I realized that 12 Monkeys utilizes more or less the same time-loop that Terminator does. If you think too hard about the time travel stuff your nose may bleed and you might feel the vein in your head start to pulse uncomfortably but if you take it for what it is, it's a lot of fun. And lest I forget the most important factor: Genisys has a completely logical explanation for its inclusion in the title. There's a lot of callbacks to the first two films, many of which are a little more subtle than you'd expect. I found myself fist-pumping and quietly cheering many times over the course of the 126-minute runtime. The only real complaint I have about the story is there are a small handful of unanswered questions, but as Nick reported last September, we've got two sequels coming our way. Mr. Valdez can rest easy knowing that, in this humble reviewer's opinion, Genisys is absolutely good enough to warrant sequels. Will this film stand the test of time like the first or second films? Maybe, maybe not. Is it better than the third and fourth films? Absolutely. Am I excited for the sequels? You bet your shiny, metal asses I am. As far as summer movies go, this is one of my favorites in a long, long time. If I didn't know any better, it may well be my favorite film of 2015 (so far, mind you). I went in to this film expecting it to be awesomely bad and I left it singing its praises over and over. If nothing else, I would like to publicly apologize for anything negative I said about it in the months leading up to last night (excepting the awesomely horrific EW pictures). tl;dr: Go see Terminator: Genisys. 
Terminator Genisys Review photo
Old. Not obsolete.
Based on the stupid title, initial plot description and Entertainment Weekly photos, I was a little more than skeptical about Terminator: Genisys. Even though the synopsis had many, many things I loved in it (time travel, Emi...

Uneeded Sequels photo
Uneeded Sequels

Arnold says that Twins sequel, Triplets, is still coming


It should be Tw3ns
Jun 29
// Matthew Razak
Every time someone brings up the proposed Twins sequel, Triplets we just kind of nod our head and smile. It really isn't clear if anyone outside of Arnold and Danny DeVito want it to happen so the assumption was jus...
DBZ Trailer  photo
DBZ Trailer

Goku has blue hair in newest Dragonball Z: Resurrection of F Trailer


Super Saiyan God Super Patti Mayonnaise
Jun 29
// Nick Valdez
With a new Dragonball TV series taking up after the events of this film, I'm pretty pumped for Dragonball Z: Resurrection of F. The sequel to last year's Battle of Gods where Goku achieves the "Super Saiyan God" form that com...
Spider-Man in Civil War photo
Spider-Man in Civil War

It's official! Tom Holland's Spider-Man to appear in Captain America 3: Civil War


No word on the red and gold spider-armor
Jun 24
// Sean Walsh
As I speculated in yesterday's post, rumor had it ol' Web-Head would be appearing in Captain America: Civil War before he got his own movie. Today, it's official. This makes loads of sense, as Spider-Man is a major part of th...
Batman photo
If anyone was going to follow Nolan...
Heavy rumor on this one as it comes from Latino Review who has a hit or miss history on these things, but they're reporting that Ben Affleck will be directing The Batman. The film is the next Batman movie after Batman v. Supe...

Paranormal 5 trailer  photo
Paranormal 5 trailer

First Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension trailer has ghosts, mustaches


Despite the dumb name, this looks okay!
Jun 24
// Sean Walsh
The trailer for the sixth and apparently final Paranormal Activity is here, and you know what? It looks...pretty good, or at least not terrible. With a box full of old VHS tapes, one sweet mustache and a heretofore unsee...
#IDR photo
#IDR

Independence Day 2 now called Independence Day Resurgence


We don't need now stinking commas
Jun 23
// Matthew Razak
Independence Day 2 now has an official title: Independence Day Resurgence. There's no colon there so it is in fact July 4 that is having a resurgence, and not a subtitle. Punctuation aside this title fits in pretty well with ...
Transylvania 2 Trailer photo
Transylvania 2 Trailer

First full trailer for Hotel Transylvania 2


Jun 19
// Nick Valdez
Although Genndy Tartokovsky leaving his passion project Popeye still stings, at least we'll see his work in Hotel Transylvania 2. Although the first film wasn't too big a deal, it's still a lot better than anything Sony Anima...
Ku Fu Panda Trailer photo
Ku Fu Panda Trailer

First trailer for Kung Fu Panda 3 brings the thunder


SO CUTE GIVE ME ALL THE PANDAS
Jun 19
// Nick Valdez
I've got quite a fondness for the Kung Fu Panda series. It's a competent cartoon that's as funny as it is endearing. It's also got some really good classic kung fu sensibility, and since that's so rare these days, it's nice t...
Witch Huntin' photo
Witch Huntin'

The Last Witch Hunter probably getting a sequel


Not so last anymore
Jun 17
// Matthew Razak
Despite the fact that The Last Witch Hunter doesn't come out until October 23rd and the first trailer for it looked like someone had photoshopped Vin Diesel into an Underworld movie Lionsgate appears to already be lockin...
Jurassic World box office photo
Jurassic World box office

Jurassic World earned the biggest worldwide box office debut of all time


"That is one big pile of s**t"
Jun 15
// Hubert Vigilla
C's get degrees, and C-grade movies get lots of money. Jurassic World earned an astounding $511.8 million around the world, giving the film the biggest opening global box office of all time. The movie features Chris Pratt all...
Goodbye Earth photo
Goodbye Earth

First Independence Day promotional art ups the ante a bit


They're back
Jun 09
// Matthew Razak
While we've got a ways to go before Independence Day 2 brings us more independence than we can handle the marketing teams are gearing up. Early promotional art for the film was on display at the Licensing Expo in La...
Ewan McGregor Star Wars photo
Ewan McGregor Star Wars

Rumor: Ewan McGregor may return as Obi-Wan Kenobi for new the Star Wars films


The paycheck is strong with this one
Jun 04
// Hubert Vigilla
Get your rumor caps on and keep the blastshields down, kids. There are rumors that Ewan McGregor is in negotiations with Disney to return as Obi-Wan Kenobi for the new glut of Star Wars movies that are coming out. Obi-Wan wou...
Another layer photo
Another layer

Layer Cake sequel is still coming Jason Statham says


You're born, you you make a sequel
Jun 01
// Matthew Razak
When it was announced that Daniel Craig was going to play James Bond everyone basically ran to watch Layer Cake since it was the closest thing to the spy we could get. Since then Bond has had two sequels and Layer Cake&n...
Jurassic Park 5 photo
Jurassic Park 5

Colin Trevorrow will not return for Jurassic Park 5


Not sure we really care
Jun 01
// Matthew Razak
Since Unviersal (and every other studio) is desperately trying to make massive franchises these days we're pretty much guaranteed a Jurassic Park 5. While there's been no official confirmation, it's basically a given. What is...
Tron 3 photo
Tron 3

Disney no longer making Tron 3


More like Tron Dead-acy
Jun 01
// Nick Valdez
Although Tron Legacy performed well on home video and seemed to strike a chord with fans, it just didn't become the grand reboot Disney wanted it to be. Stories of Tron 3's possible existence have been floating around since t...

Review: The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)

May 25 // Sean Walsh
[embed]219487:42404:0[/embed] Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)Director: Tom SixRelease Date: May 22, 2015Rated: Unrated Dieter Laser returns to the franchise he made famous as Bill Boss, racist, sexist, malevolent warden of a prison in the middle of the desert. Laurence R. Harvey, villainous manbaby star of Human Centipede 2, plays his sidekick/prison accountant Dwight Butler. These two men find themselves with a problem on there hands when Governor Hughes (Eric Roberts for some reason) threatens to fire them if they can't fix their crappy prison. Butler suggests to Boss, "Hey, let's make the prisoners into a giant Human Centipede like those two movies." And then they do. That's the whole plot. Were you expecting Kubrick? I don't have a lot to say about this film, to be honest. It's graphically violent, really racist, really sexist, and has little redeeming quality to it beyond Dieter Laser's super over-the-top performance as Bill Boss. It has a premise, and follows it to the end. It was competently made. But it just doesn't have anything going for it beyond that. So instead, let me give you a list of all the messed up/notable stuff that happens in chronological order to sate your curiosity and save you the 102 minutes you won't ever get back. SPOILERS AHEAD. The film starts with the credits of the first two movies, because meta Lots of general hardcore racism and talk of rape Dieter Laser graphically breaks Tom Lister Jr.'s arm Dieter Laser spends most of the movie eating from a jar of dried clitorises he got from Africa (Bree Olson eats one later, not knowing what they are) A man is waterboarded by Laser with three buckets of boiling water and then the washcloth is peeled off the man's boiled face We get to see Dieter Laser loudly climax from oral sex (performed off-camera by former adult film star Bree Olson, the film's sole female character, Laser's secretary/living sex toy) Dieter Laser graphically castrates Robert LaSardo, rubs the blood from the wound all over his face and then later eats the man's balls for lunch (breaded and everything) In a bizarre fantasy sequence, Robert LaSardo shivs a helpless Laser and has sex with the wound Tom Six shows up and gives them permission to use his idea and explains about how he consulted a real doctor about the medical accuracy of making a human centipede  During a screening of the films, Laser tells the prisoners he's going to make them into a human centipede and they riot, which leads to Bree Olson (again, the single female character) being beaten into a coma by Tom Lister Jr. During the surgery segment, Laser inserts his revolver into a man's stoma and shoots him, shoots a disabled man, and decides to attach a man with chronic diarrhea in front of Robert LaSardo Laser has sex with a comatose Bree Olson When Tom Six sees Laser's "special" project (that involves cutting off arms), he vomits on a glass door and exits the film After the 500-person centipede is unveiled, we are shown that the only female character in the film, who spends the entire film being used for sex before being beaten into a coma and raped in her comatose state, is sewn into the centipede for reasons(?) Laser unveils to Governor Eric Roberts his special project, the Human Caterpillar, made from the limbless torsos of the lifetime and death row inmates After Roberts says that Laser and Harvey are insane and will get the chair, Laser shoots the prison doctor, then Roberts comes back and tells them he changed his mind, leaves again, and Laser shoots Harvey so he can take the credit for himself The film ends with a naked Laser screaming nonsense through a megaphone from a guard tower overlooking his centipede as patriotic music swells To say this film is problematic is to put it lightly. It is virulently racist for reasons unknown, treats the single female character as an object to stick male genitalia in (and, again for reasons unknown, throws her into the centipede because why not?), and generally delights in inflicting pain on both its characters and its audience. But you should know what you're getting into where a film's central theme involves people being sewn ass-to-mouth. Like I say in the image above, Human Centipede 3 is indeed 100% the third Human Centipede film. If you like watching racist, cruel men castrate dudes and have sex with women in comas with the titular centipede happening in the background, then boy this film is for YOU! If you liked the first two films, you'll probably like this one. If you're only lukewarm on them, you can probably skip this one. Bottom line: Human Centipede 3 is competently made schlock. Tom Six is an edgy dude with some weird stuff (and quite possibly issues with women) rattling around in his head, but he can make a good-looking movie. Hopefully his next series has more merit. Happy Memorial Day, everybody.
Review: Human Centipede 3 photo
"100% a film that was made"
I did not care for the first Human Centipede. It was a generic torture porn with a couple gimmicks in the centipede itself and the claim of being 100% medically accurate. As a jaded horror fan, I spent most of it yawning (cri...

3rd times the charm photo
3rd times the charm

Now You See Me 3 in development already


How is this a franchise?
May 22
// Matthew Razak
Remember Now You See Me? Sean liked it a lot, but it was pretty much a one trick poney... or so we thought. The sequel, Now You See Me: The Second Act, is something we knew about and were stunned by, but despite it not releas...
Transformers photo
Transformers

Transformers sequels have found their writers, including Robert Kirkman


More than writes the eye
May 21
// Nick Valdez
Remember that weird sounding "writers room" Paramount was trying to set up for Transformers sequels and spin-offs Jackson wrote about some time ago? To make the whole thing weirder, we now know who's a part of it. Seemingly f...
Reacher 2 Director photo
Reacher 2 Director

Jack Reacher 2 may be helmed by Edward Zwick


There's a Jack Reacher 2 still?
May 19
// Matthew Razak
Jack Reacher is a character with a crap ton of books so we all assumed that Paramount was gunning for a franchise when they released the surprisingly retro Jack Reacher, but the numbers for it weren't so great here in the U.S...
Scorch Trials  photo
Scorch Trials

First official trailer for Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials


Smokin'
May 19
// Nick Valdez
Although I don't remember liking The Maze Runner too much, I did appreciate what it did differently from all of the other Young Adult book films floating around. A testosterone riddled film full of run and gun dumb action. It...
 photo

Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson will reteam for Shanghai Dawn


I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy
May 15
// Hubert Vigilla
As Coming Soon noted yesterday, MGM is finally moving forward with Shanghai Dawn, the sequel to Jackie Chan/Owen Wilson films Shanghai Noon (2000) and Shanghai Knights (2003). As Flixist EIC Matthew Razak said in our staff em...
Civil War cast photo
Civil War cast

Captain America: Civil War reveals its huge cast


Hugh Jazz cast
May 07
// Nick Valdez
If you thought Avengers: Age of Ultron had a huge amount of characters, then Civil War is going to blow your mind. With the hugest cast of any Marvel movie so far, we've got newcomers, returning characters, newly revealed cha...
Beverly Hills Cop Delay photo
Beverly Hills Cop Delay

Beverly Hills Cop 4 pulled from Paramount's release schedule


A heh-heh-heh-heh
May 07
// Matthew Razak
Getting Beverly Hills Cop 4 off the ground has been quite the struggle, so much so that it seems to be staying right where it is, which is in development hell. Paramount, which had the film slated for release March 25, 2...
John Wick sequel photo
People keep asking...
People keep asking if I'm back. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm back. We didn't review John Wick here on Flixist (which was a major oversight on my part because I saw it during my vacation that weekend and totally didn't write on it...

TMNT TWO photo
TMNT TWO

Here's our first look at TMNT 2's Casey Jones


And the PIZZA VAN
May 01
// Nick Valdez
I don't think we got around to this news, but joining the first film's cast of lovable giant mutant monsters, Tyler Perry (of all people), and Laura F**king Linney in an undisclosed role is Arrow's Stephen Amell as Casey...

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