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A Musing Dream: The Hazards of Batwoman Britannia Cartoons


So I figured this is a pretty great time to jump into the Flixist c-blogs because seriously, what's easier than talking about shit you want? Especially in the case of movies there's countless pieces of source material (SPOILERS: Adaptions will be the big focus of this blog), totally unrealistic sequels and so on that will probably never see the light of day. Some of which probably never [i]should[i] see the light of day because Hollywood would eff it up but whatever these are my dreams! Don't crush my dreams! Don't make me cry! If you make me cry I'll tell Joan Jett on you and she'll come to your house and punch you in the mouth.


Okay, so I'm gonna address the 600 pound gorilla in the room. I like Batwoman. A lot. I think her character is one of the most well presented and humanized superheroes currently popular in the comic book community thanks in no small part to Greg Rucka, JH Williams III and W. Haden Blackman. And while some bits of Kate Kane's origin story are a little diced up (werewolves, for instance, probably would NOT make the cut into the Batwoman movie) with a little bit of fleshing out Batwoman could probably be one of the coolest DC adaptions since Batman Begins. It's got grit, emotional and psychological conflict, the relatable characteristics of a young woman still trying to find herself with the badassness of escaping herself for a noble cause.

It could be directed by somebody like Christopher Nolan, David Fincher or heck maybe even Joe Wright if Hanna is anything to go by. Rooney Mara could play a great Kate Kane, a woman with a passion - nay obssesion - with serving her country and delivering justice until something (I guess it can't be DADT anymore) cockblocks her and she spends years in a haze trying to find herself and ends up at rock bottom in a cesspool of alcoholism and maybe even promiscuity. Then she finds Renee Montoya (who I guess would be played by some hispanic badass lady but I dunno who) and falls in love but isn't responsible enough to hold a steady relationship. She gets told to man (or woman) up, tossed out, and almost hits rock bottom again. Batman saves her from a thing but she's all like "I'm a badass," and ends up fighting the bad guys on her own and goes all "I can just do the Batman thing. Fuck the army," and uses her connections and stuff since she's all super rich and her daddy is the master fucking general of the free world or something. And we could see this origin story unfold beside a story taking place a few years later about Batwoman finding crazy super-villain Alice lady who's all brainwashed and stuff by the crime cult people. And at some point the two stories come together and Batwoman is all "Oh! That's who crazy Alice lady is!"

It'd be awesome! But it won't happen because Batwoman ain't no Batman or Superman. And if it did they'd fuck it up anyway. Kate Kane would spout these dumb ass one liners, she'd sleep with everybody and they'd probably make her some kind of stupid slutty lesbian party girl with no real emotions or feelings. So maybe this one is best kept a fantasy for now.

The Decemberists' The Hazards of Love

The Hazards of Love is such a badass album. Besides being a well crafted and thoroughly enjoyable piece of modern music it's also one of the most interesting rock operas ever written. A film version of The Hazards of Love could be so well stylized and have such a great story that it's hard to ignore it.

So the story is best understood in this nifty blog but I'll sum it up here with all my graces. The story takes place in super old England times. Margaret lives in the woods and one day while in the woods doing woods-y things she comes across a fawn who's all jacked up. Oh, and it's turning night. So she patches the poor thing up and by the time sun sets KA-BLOOM! The fawn turns into a sexy ass man named William, probably with a sweet pair of balls and a nice head of hair 'cause that's what ladies look for in a guy. Trust me, I'm a gender issues major. It's all about the balls. But at daytime the sexy ass man turns back into a fawn.

Anyways, they totally do the wicked nasty and I think - I'm not sure but I think - they continue meeting at night and bangin' in the forest for a while. Then Margaret gets forest knocked up. So she tells him and he's all thrilled and then they get ready to do the ol' 1-2-in-Mary-Lou yet again 'cause sex is totally awesome but William's witch mommy catches them and says he can't see her anymore for reasons (see: jealously). He begs her to let him see her one more time and she's like "'Kay, but just once. But after that you're gonna stay home forever and give momma some sugar."

Meanwhile there's some dick named Rake on the other side of the forest and he has a dead wife and all these babies and then he kills the babies 'cause babies suck and he's like "Whoop, I'm horny. Better go find me some poon to poke!" He goes in the forest and sees Margaret and kidnaps her and crosses this big ass river with the witches help 'cause she don't like Margaret. William finds out and crosses the river thing somehow 'cause he's badass and Rake is gonna rape her 'cause rope bondage is hot but he's doing it all non-consensually 'cause he's an asshole. The ghost of his kids kill him and William grabs Margaret and they try to cross the river but they die. The end.

It's a great story and it's told beautifully trough the Decemberists own unique melding of rock (almost heavy metal in this case) and English folk. With the classic visual art stylings of the Decemberists, maybe with sort of like a stage play theme even, it could probably be one of the best musicals in a long time. And it's dark. Which, while saying nothing really about quality, is something missing from so many modern musicals. Okay, maybe the ending could be more satisfying since the story jerks the audience around so much but even then you're dealing with rape, explicit deaths of children (and a pregnant mother-to-be), weird incestual overtones and there's even a bit of scolding from Margarets friends about getting knocked up and no daddy to account for. The themes and characters don't fall into the usual bullshit archetypes of a modern musical. This shit ain't Glee. And it helps that it takes place in this kind of dirty and stinky era and the music can get really heavy and raw.

So how could Hollywood fuck it up? You were thinkin' it the whole time. I barely gotta say it. They could fucking Twilight it. They could go after the wrong fucking audience and it could totally lose it's artistic credibility. Instead of making a sort of fairy tale musical aimed at mature audiences (I stress mature, not adult) they could try to make it the new Twilight and strip it of it's teeth. The good thing though is I doubt Colin Meloy would let that happen. No, I think if this were ever made it could be great! But it won't. Bummer.


Now truth be told I'm not entirely sure how the fuck this would work. I dunno if you guys are familiar with Phonogram but you fucking should be because it's great. Phonogram is a comic book in which music is not just music but a kind of occult magic that you can tap into and use for powers and stuff and bein' cool and gettin' laid and dressin' sexy like. The brilliant Rue Britannia and the one offs (collected in The Singles Club) are all super sweet and you should buy them. They particularly focus on British indie music culture (Britpop is a big focus but it really does expand) and the rise and fall of the scene. It's something of a metaphor to the whole British music scene as it rolls out of the 90s and into the new millenium and Kieron Gillen just knocks it all right out of the park. It's got pretty girls and boys doing pretty young things, lots of obscure music references that make ya feel smart for not taking off your ear buds at family gatherings and even cool action-y stuff.

In Phonogram: Rue Britannia specifically our young protagonist, a Phonomancer (that's fancy Phonogram talk for wizard) named David Kohl, is trying to track down the Mod-Goddess of Britpop before he dies or whatever. All the while coming to terms with himself and with aging. With growing up when all he really wants to do is keep being the rebellious young dreamer who smokes cigarettes all day and talks about how shitty Radiohead is (and they are shit). It's an interesting analysis of music as a culture and it's laden with metaphors and symbolism and it's overall just a cool idea. Like Scott Pilgrim meets High Fidelity meets some thing with wizards and it's all set to British people bein' British and cool. And who doesn't want that!?

Hollywood wouldn't touch this with a 9 1/2 foot pole. And good on them 'cause they'd fuck it up royally. And don't give it to Edgar Wright either. Well maybe, but I'd rather someone else do it. Who? I dunno. But put it in some capable hands, let Gillen rewrite the script for film 'cause the man knows what he's doing, and take it to some cool big but risky indie studio like IFC Films and let 'em get to work. Wouldn't be an expensive movie either. And if it's good and catches steam maybe Singles Club could be some kinda IFC mini-series? Hell, I'd watch it. And you would too 'cause you have good taste.

Some cartoon movies please

Okay, now I could go on and on in this blog. Really. I could talk about how bullshit it is that we don't have a good Wonder Woman movie, how friggin' aces a Batman Beyond movie would be or my awesome (slightly controversial around my friends) idea to bring Harley Quinn into a Batman movie and bring the Joker back if they want to continue the Nolanverse as a sorta Hannibal Lector-esque character. But instead I'm gonna make one last plea: gimme some cartoon movies

In a time where cartoon animation is at it's strongest stylistically when it's done with some creativity it saddens me to see the total lack of cartoons on the big screen. I've felt this way for a long time but it had never been a bigger slap in the face as it had been when I saw Winnie the Pooh last year. That movie was an absolute delight, probably the saving grace of my 2011 children's movie viewing, and it was so beautiful. It was an absolute visual treat that really helped make the movie memorable and enjoyable. I want more cartoon movies. It seems so bizarre to me that the opportunity to see a cartoon is some kind of rare treat. And while it's not a knock against CG films there's something fantastical about cartoons that CG simply can't replace.

What would I like to see a full-length cartoon feature of on the big screen? A Samurai Jack movie, a cartoon adaption of the high school life comic Blue Monday directed by Edgar Wright, a new Heavy Metal or an animated something or other by Glenn Eichler in the spirit of Daria but not Daria 'cause that'd be weird. Give me something! Hey, how about something non-Disney? The chance has already come and gone for an Iron Giant sequel or really anything in that realm. And I was gonna say maybe somethin' fancy and noire-like since that could really punctuate a style for an animated film but I guess everyone (including me) would rather see a Sin City 2 before that happens.

I get that subtletly doesn't exactly sell by the bum loads. It's a sad fact. But good movies, with decent backing and a marketing team excited about the product, do sell. And it's not like there aren't talented people out there ready and willing to make great cartoon movies. From artists to writers and directors. You really think some dude doodling out cult classic indie comics so he can afford to replace his 1998 Acura is gonna hold you up for a cool $10 million to bring his vision to life?

But I digress. I'm getting hung up on the logistics and baiting myself for a bunch of comments about why I'm wrong and dumb and how I write a lot of run-on sentences. This is fantasy, right? Okay, in my fantasy world Edgar Wright is making a cartoon adaption of Blue Monday and it's badass as fuck.


Well that's all folks! Hope I got to jingle your movie bells a bit. I think these are bangin' ass ideas that ain't never gonna happen but in my dreams anything can happen. It's why I sleep until 2 PM.

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About Xzyliacone of us since 12:00 AM on 00.00.0000

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Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what I'm doin' here. There's a crapload of movies I ain't never seen but eff it 'cause I like watchin' movies and stuff. I went through a super big movie phase and I've taken 3 film analysis classes so I guess that counts for somethin'.

I'm willing to watch pretty much anything unless Ryan Reynolds is in it or at the end two women overcome differences and sing a musical number together. Traditionally movies I like are indie flicks, sci-fi, dry comedies or action movies. I really like films with a sort of natural feeling stylization to them like the old exploitation flicks or Pixar films. Movies where the style seems to be a natural byproduct of the vision for the film and where the film itself still stands on it's own two feet if you take that style away. Guys and gals whom I admire because of this are Tarantino, the Coen brothers, Miranda July (shut up), Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock and Christopher Nolan although there's more whose names I can't remember right now.

My other interest are the usual nerd fare. Music, video games, comics and fetishism (that's usual nerd fare, right?). Music was my first love and still very near and dear to me. Dtoiders might remember I headed up a music review blog before life clenched me in it's sexy jaws and demanded my life blood. Video games and comics are what have really influenced me a lot. The games I like pretty much reflect the films I like. Stylized and full of heart but with gameplay that, once stripped of that style, stand on it's own two feet. I'm also a big DC fanboy though I'm certainly not anti-Marvel.

My personal self isn't terribly interesting. Just a thing with dreads and an aspiring gender issues major who likes to talk shit about alternative sexualities in the context of pretty much any cultural and sociological perspective. I'm a pretty stern feminist and you might even see me go on rants on occasion but I promise I'm approachable and lighthearted on the matter.

Also, whips.

Movies I'd make love to
-Pulp Fiction
-Me and You and Everyone We Know
-The Dark Knight
-Office Space
-The Breakfast Club
-Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
-Rear Window
-The Birds
-All of the Grindhouse movies
-Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
-Black Snake Moan
-All Star Trek ever
-X-Men: First Class

Movies I'd gag
-The Matrix trilogy
-Transformers: Dark of the Moon
-Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
-All the X-Men movies but First Class
-Batman (1989)

Video games I'd pleasure
-The Mass Effect trilogy
-Bullet Witch
-Heavenly Sword
-Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2 and 3
-Super Mario World
-Half-Life 2
-SSX 3
-Halo 3: ODST
-Mortal Kombat (2011)
-Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks
-Jet Grind Radio/Jet Set Radio Future
-Every Tony Hawk game not involving a stupid peripheral
-All the Rock Bands and Guitar Heros except Guitar Hero: Van Halen
-Batman: Arkham Asylum

Video games I'd punish
-The Uncharted series
-The Pokemon series
-Guitar Hero: Van Halen
-Gears of War
-Dragon Age: Origins
-Grand Theft Auto 1 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
-Red Dead Redemption

Musical artists I'd poke
-Le Tigre
-Julie Ruin
-Bikini Kill
-Cansei de ser Sexy
-Danger Doom
-The Black Keys
-De La Soul
-Wu-Tang Clan
-Led Zeppelin
-Lady GaGa
-The Cranberries
-Dolores O'Riordan
-The Dead Weather
-Laura Marling
-Minor Threat
-Dead Kennedys
-The Long Blondes
-Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
-The Runaways

Musical artists I'd prod
-Kanye West
-Avril Lavigne
-Maroon 5
-Dave Matthews Band
-Sex Pistols