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LONG BLOG

Birdemic Review - A.K.A Why I hate Myself and Everyone Forever and Ever

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Where were you the last time you started to question whether there was any point to life?

If you're anything like me then there's a good chance you were watching Birdemic at the time, and as the minutes crawled by your thoughts started to drift towards suicide.

Luckily the film ended before I could get the needle all the way in (apparently the rib cage does cover the heart, who would have thought!), so I'm still here. I'm down one white shirt though, man, was that a lot of blood!

Ha ha. But yeah...

Birdemic



How would I describe Birdemic?

Birdemic is a story about love, two people who find each other amongst the ruins of a society under attack from nature itself. It's about the struggle between man and Mother Earth, and how sometimes we forget how intrinsically the two are tied together.

No, wait, that sounded a little too intelligible for a film like Birdemic. Let's get dumb, like really dumb:

Birdemic is a film about some guy who is in telesales and does telesales stuff till he starts boning a hot blonde chick, then they run away from some angry birds that kill people.

And lot of people die.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now I haven't read around too much about Birdemic, but from what I have heard it was made over a long time period on a part-time basis and on very little money by somebody who was passionate about the project, and in that sense it's commendable. Regardless of talent being able to get out there and make a film and make your vision into reality is an enviable accomplishment. And for that he should be congratulated.

Seriously.

But that doesn't excuse the myriad of things that are wrong with this film. I won't list them all because there's just so many things and taking pot shots at cheap-ass films is just... well, cheap.

But come on, when this is the highlight of your movie you know something's gone wrong:



Eurgggghghhhhhhhhh... Jesus, WTF IS THIS?!

I think one of the funniest bits of the film is actually before the drama starts and we're just being introduced to the characters. Like any good(?) film Birdemic lets us know that the characters in the film are real people, with real lives. The female lead, played by the ever so lovely, if somewhat wooden, Whitney Moore, apparently works as a model, though her mother wants her to move into real-estate (see, I was paying attention!)

Problem is from the looks of things she lands the worst modelling gigs imaginable - we're treated to a scene where she's shown posing for the camera, and this is apparently what she 'models':



Yeah... you know usually aren't you supposed to look hot when you're modelling not terminally ill?

She looks like she's about to puke, and from the looks of things she's wearing the perfect clothes to throw up all over and not have anybody notice.

Much of the film is occupied with odd moments where (eco)product placement is shoved in your face or some sort of environmentalism is chucked awkwardly at the audience. And if that's not happening then the dialogue's just being really awkward in general.



Oh brother.

If you like movies that drain your willpower and make you want to prematurely end your own life then Birdemic might be just the movie for you. It's painful, it's tiresome and you will wonder why you paid money for it (if you did.)

But guys... it had good points too!



No, not that.

Perv.

That. On the screen!

That's right, Tippi Hedren of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds' fame is in this film!!!

...on a tv screen.

...for like five seconds.

...and she doesn't really do anything.

Yeah, honestly, I didn't think that would impress anybody. I totally missed it when I watched the film... I don't know why.

I was checking my phone.

It's a mystery!

Anyway, don't watch this. I wouldn't, I mean I wouldn't if I hadn't of been stupid enough to watch it in the first place.



*facepalm*
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About Panzadolphin56one of us since 3:09 PM on 07.02.2012



Hello!

I am a UK person, I came to Flixist from yonder Dtoid *gestures at distant mirage* because I like films and would like to moan about films and/or find out about all the upcoming movies that may have skin on show in them! :D

When it comes to films I think I'd probably describe myself as someone with very particular tastes - I tend to split what I like between films I like for their artistic merit and the themes they discuss, and then films I like for their comedic or entertainment value.

I'm a pretty big sci-fi/horror/cyberpunk fan, so films like Alien, Aliens, Blade Runner and Terminator are some of my favourites. I also like a lot of post-modern or experimental stuff, body-horror is interesting, and I like films that subvert genres and convention in some way.