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Fauxclusive: Forget the butthole cut of Cats, what the world needs is the penis cut of The Dark Knight Rises

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More like The Dong Knight Rises!

One thing that can't be said regarding Christopher Nolan's finale to his Dark Knight trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises, is that it was a flop. Something that does flop, though? Penises.

With that in mind, it has come as a great shock to us when recent leaks revealed a more revealing rendition of the Caped Crusader. Apparently, due to a defect with Christian Bale's Batsuit, many of the original scenes for The Dark Knight Rises were shot with Bale's white dong flailing. How could this be? A stunt worker on the film who spoke under the condition of anonymity due to a nondisclosure agreement made this statement:

"When we filmed the scene in which Bane knees Batman's spine and breaks his back, Tom Hardy really let Bale have it, and he kneed him so hard that the crotch popped right off Bale's suit. The suit was nothing but heavy duty latex that would leave you sweating a gallon an hour, so naturally Bale was free-balling down there. He just swung right out. The suit's too expensive and time consuming to rebuild under the strict timetable we had for filming, so Bale just had to work with it under the promise that he'd be made decent in post-production. I don't think he minded too much, though. Poor guy was just happy to get some circulation."

With the dedication Warner Bros has used previously to digitally remove mustaches, this isn't much of a shock. The biggest surprise is that we found out about this digital fig leaf job at all.

The leak recently appeared online after the most recent 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray pressing of the classic led to a mix up in which the incorrect cut of the film was sent to the printing facility. It remains unsure if the issue was resolved before any discs containing footage of the batawang could be shipped.

The only screenshots of the offending material were uploaded to a Japanese news website, which required Bale's utility shlong to be tastefully censored. The article has since been removed, but we all know that once something appears on the internet it can never truly be deleted. We share these images with you, because not only do you deserve and need to see them, but also we have no fear of legal action from Warner Bros. They can sue us for all we're worth, because we're worth so little that they'll end up owing us money. Ha ha!

With calls for Snyder cuts and butthole cuts, I desperately hope the internet can come together and #Releasethedarkdong. The internet has assembled its vast powers to attempt to make Danny DeVito both Detective Pikachu and Wolverine--and failed. They have, however, come together to mock both Cats and Sonic the Hedgehog, shaming them into adjusting their CGI abominations into forms that don't make the eyes melt from our skulls.

What won't make the eyes melt from our skulls either is Bane breaking Batman's back so hard that his dick (and perhaps balls) pops out of his codpiece. This isn't just the dong we need but the dong we deserve. It's our solemn duty to demand it and to free it for public consumption. During these trying times a little dick goes a long way, so just give it to us.

Let's free the dong and bask in its glory forever and ever, Amen.

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Kyle Yadlosky
Kyle Yadlosky   gamer profile


 


 


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    Filed under... #Action #Batman #Christian Bale #Christopher Nolan #DC Comics #fake news #Satire #Tom hardy #Warner Bros.

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