As time marches on, a few things make me realize how futile life can truly be. We’re all going to die, the sun will eventually engulf our planet and erase humanity in an instant, and someone at Flixist is going to have to watch the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. For the past few months, we’ve been hearing teases about the project, like how Jim Carrey is going to be Dr. Eggman and the mere thought of that depresses me. But now we have a new source of bleak hopelessness. Now we can see what Sonic will look like.
This hasn’t been the first time Sonic had appeared alongside live-action characters though. A couple of years ago, I remember there was a Sonic fan film that was only 19 minutes long but was a very enjoyable little project. It was released for free and was done entirely by fans and it was actually very impressive given the circumstances. But with barely any budget, they made a Sonic that looked authentic and true to form. So how does Sonic the Hedgehog, with its millions of dollars and Paramount money, decide to design the Blue Blur in 2019?
A couple of things.
Despite Sonic being in silhouette, he doesn’t look right in the slightest. It’s not that he looks hyper-realistic, like all of the Pokemon from the Detective Pikachu movie, because their live-action designs all look natural and not out of place, but his body doesn’t look right. Maybe it’s because Sonic has defined knees with bones instead of wobbly noodle arms and legs, but something doesn’t sit right with me about his design. And I’m not the only one who thinks that! After the poster dropped, the Flixist staff tried to process what the hell was wrong with Sonic and it was truly something special. Here are just a few highlights of what the Flixist staff had to say about Sonic’s new design:
“The furry community must be loving it.”
“He looks like nature finally developed an answer to the crimes mankind has been committing against the Earth.”
“You die in seven days after looking at him, unless you show him to someone else.”
“He looks like how Banjo and Kazooie were redesigned for Nuts & Bolts, only shittier.”
” Looks like the designers had a due date of Friday but put off designing him until the night before. They got a C-.”
“Sonic wants the sweet embrace of death.”
“The blankness is where his soul should be, but a creation such as this has no soul. He is empty.”
Personally, it took me all day to figure out what I thought was wrong with Sonic’s design. I was wracking my brain because he reminded me of some nebulous cartoon character, but I just couldn’t put my finger on which one. But when I sat down to finish this article, it finally clicked. He looks like Billy Quizboy from The Venture Bros.! He’s got the big head, the little limbs, and all of his proportions are off! I’m frankly afraid to see what he’s like in decent lighting. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stare at this creature for nearly two hours next year. Also, if you really want your blood to boil, here’s a motion poster that also has the wrong sound effect for Sonic collecting rings. That’ll drive you nuts!
Sonic the Hedgehog races into theaters November 8th, 2019.