Schlock Chuggers: The Taint


[Schlock Chuggers is an ode celebrating the wacky, strange, obscene, and vulgar in which members of Flixist and Destructoid drink heavily, watch trashy movies, and talk about it. Any suggestions? Feel free to drop them in the comments!]

The 2011 Troma release, The Taint may very well be the Citizen Kane of garbage. A penis enhancement drug has been spilled into the world’s water supply by a crazed businessman (with a very small penis) and now one man must skateboard and shoot his way through raging hoards of zombified men with giant hard-ons in an attempt to survive. I dragged resident taco tickler and giveaway kingpin Wes through this river of every bodily fluid imaginable for a sweet 69 minutes, and we’ve returned changed men ready to tell our tales. So, let’s drink up and dive in!

Kyle: I’ve never seen so much bodily leakage in the first five minutes of a movie in all my life. We got piss. We got vomit. We got sperm. We got blood. There are just so many exploding dicks in The Taint. I’m just going to go ahead and say that there are more exploding dicks in this movie than there are in any other movie ever made. Gold star for exploding dicks.

What Kind of Loser Doesn’t Have Wire Coat Hangers?

Kyle: This takes place in an alternative America where abortion has been made illegal (that’s so crazy, it would just never happen!), and men’s need to have giant dicks leads to the end of civilization as we know it. This is a work of pure fantasy, obviously.

Alligator Fuckhouse

Final Thoughts

Kyle Yadlosky
Kyle Yadlosky only cares about trash. The trippy, bizarre, DIY, and low-budget are his home. He sleeps in dumpsters and eats tinfoil. He also writes horror fiction sometimes.