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The definitive history of Flixist's new enterprise

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Everything you ever wanted to know (and other things you didn't)

Sure, it's only been an hour since Flixist Convenience opened its first physical location in the most beautiful state in the Union, New Jersey, but we are expanding rapidly and within hours there should be at least one location near you (if not several).

But Alec, you wonder, why? Like seriously? Flixist is the best movie website on the internet, and we all love everything that you ever write ever. Why mess with an already perfect thing?

I'm so glad you asked.

Jurrasic Flixist by Brian Broadus

You see, here at Flixist, we've long been in the business of sticking our noses where they don't belong, and it has led to all of the great everything that you come here to see five days a week, every week. So when we were having our weekly meeting (pictured above) at the Dinosore Cabaret, we thought to ourselves, "What don't people get from Flixist that they can get at a local convenience store?" And we realized the answer was... well, pretty much everything.

Since our goal of total global domination doesn't really work if we are losing to a freaking 7/11, we knew that something had to change. After putting some serious thought into our drink orders, we decided that the best way to go was to get blackout drunk and let things work themselves out.

That was last night.

This morning, we awoke to find that we had opened our first snack stand, and we are damn proud of the way it came out. But it wasn't enough to satiate our ever-growing hunger, so we took out lots and lots of money from every major loan shark in New Jersey in order to build our first physical location. Don't worry, though, we're totally good for it. We are backed by some of the most dangerous and powerful men in the Italian mafia, and there's no way anything bad would happen to people who owe the mafia money.

So with our first location opened less than one hour after the unveiling of our snack stand, it's clear that we are actually the fastest growing enterprise in the entire world, so you should be reading about us in your local newspaper within hours (or days, newspapers are kind of slow and irrelevant). It's a truly exciting time for us, and our phones have been ringing off the hook from men with thick, silly-sounding accents asking where their goddamn money is. I don't know anyone named Vinny, Tony, Guiseppe, Marcello, Giovanni, or Stromboli, so it's sort of strange, but I'm not complaining. The Flixist name is getting out there. And that can only be a good thing.

So as the day wears on and we continue our expansion unabated, stop by your local Flixist establishment. If there's isn't one near you by lunchtime, please call us at 1-800-555-YOU-FUCKED-UP. We have our phone operator standing by, ready to field any comments our concerns.

But be advised, if you have any complaints, you're going to have to answer to this guy:

Hubert Vigilla, destroyer of cars

As always, we appreciate your patronage.

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Alec Kubas-Meyer
Alec Kubas-MeyerReviews & Features Editor   gamer profile

Alec Kubas-Meyer signed up for Flixist in May of 2011 as a news writer, and he never intended to write a single review. Funny, then, that he is now the site's Reviews (and Features) Editor. After... more + disclosures


 


 



Filed under... #April Fools Day 2013 #Flixist Originals #Top Stories

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