You ever wake up one morning, turn on the news, and hear a sentence that you never thought would have been uttered by any human over the course of existence? Well that happened to me today as I was rudely made aware that yes, the Cats movie is still a thing and yes, it sounds absolutely insane.
I love being able to flex my theatre muscles, since I rarely get to do so anymore, but I don’t think it’s a controversial statement saying that Cats, the Broadway musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber, sucks. Cats has sucked and will always continue to suck. I have never met a person that legitimately liked Cats, and if they did they would shamefully admit to me several years later that they didn’t know any better and they drank the proverbial Kool-Aid. There was a time where Cats was one of the biggest names on Broadway, but just think about how pretentious a person has to have sounded when they said that one of their favorites musicals was the story of a bunch of humans dressed up as cats who danced around for two hours and pretended it was high art when it just looks embarrassing to any and all outsiders. Even hardcore theatre fans fins it laughable. Spongebob Squarepants: The Musical has more self respect than Cats ever will. At least that musical had a song by David Bowie in it.
So of course they’re making a movie out of it. We’ve known it for a while now. Tom Hooper, who last did the abysmal Les Miserables, is going to direct it, and while we haven’t seen a trailer for it yet despite having a December 2019 release date, the reports surrounding it are just… fascinating. Take for example Taylor Swift, who recently opened up about what we can expect from the movie. Most notably, instead of having the actors dress up in cat suits like in the musical, they will have CG fur, whiskers, tails, and ears. There will be no mocapping, just CG fur added on. Oh, and the CG tails will act independently from the body of course. But the actors all still had to move and act like cats, so Tom Hooper, and I must reiterate that this actually happened, sent them all to cat school.
In cat school, the actors were taught not only how to walk like a cat, but also how to sing and dance like one. Plus they were given the all powerful insight on how think and, I kid you not, sense others like a cat. At cat school… Taylor Swift… learned how to sense others… like a cat… so she could get CG cat fur placed on her… for Tom Hooper’s Cats. That was probably one of the dumbest sentences I’ve ever written for this site but I don’t care. Thanks to Cats, I get to now see Sir Ian Mcellan, Idris Elba, Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, and Academy Award winning actress Judi Dench get CG fur placed on them and use all of their cat school knowledge to sing songs that made my ears bleed on a good day. This is going to be a beautiful disaster and I cannot wait until this releases. Actually, give me a trailer now. Cats has skyrocketed to being one of my most anticipated movies of the year based solely on how ludicrous this all sounds. Give me this trailer today so I can finally lose my mind and surrender to the void.
Cats releases December 20, 2019.
The Cats Movie Sent Taylor Swift to Cat School – Slash Film