FlixList: Ten Crimes I’d Commit During a Real Purge


With The Purge: Anarchy in theaters and another #CrimeDay in the history books, I’ve been thinking about crime for a bit now. In the series, everyone and their mothers are so focused on committing violent crimes they don’t see the bigger picture. A futuristic utopia where everyone secretly wants to murder each other may make for witty satire, but it doesn’t always provide room for other things. 

With the kind of flexibility 12 hours of consequence free crime a Purge would provide, I figured I’d write a list of ten things I’d do with that time.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions: Wear white after Labor Day, eat cereal without milk, shoot Mr. Burns (again)

10. Start the day without a well balanced breakfast

Pssh, can’t commit the worst of crimes on an empty stomach. I’m just going to fill it with junk food like pizza bagels, cheese sticks, and gummi bears. Ooh, maybe gummi bear cereal. Is there a gummi bear cereal? I’ll invent one and charge a ludicrous amount for it. 

9. Rip the tag off my mattress

This thing’s been bothering me forever. It’ll be the first to go. 

8. Bring back free Napster and download all of Metallica’s albums 

I’ve always wanted to pirate music, but I’m afraid someone’ll crack down on me. I’ll use the time to get all sorts of music, listen to it once, and promptly never listen to it again until it shows up during shuffles. 

7. Jaywalk through a busy intersection naked

Floppin’ around the ‘ole fishin’ hole

6. Steal several “I Love New York” shirts and knit them into a quilt

Sometimes it’s cold at night. 

5. Wear parachute pants filled with yogurt

Sometimes it’s hot at night. 

4. Break into the zoo and eat six koalas

Why six? Because six sounds like a good number to eat. Why koalas? Because they look damn delicious. I’d say something like “bald eagles,” but they’re probably going to be very hard to find and I’ve only got 12 hours to do all of this. Oh, I’d bite a hippo. Not because it’s a crime or because it looks tasty or anything, I just want to do this. 

3. Wear Crocs with socks the entire time

Fashion crimes are the worst crimes.

2. Refuse to shower

I’d make sure to take the time out for social crimes like not courteously maintaining good hygiene. I’ll probably wallow in something too. What are they going to do, huh? Arrest me? 

1. Tattoo “You’re Two Thousand and Late” on my chest

Because I’m so three thousand and eight and got that boom boom boom. 

Got any crimes you’d like to commit? Comment here or on our contest post with your crimes. Note: Flixist does not endorse committing crime, no matter how cool/awesome/unique they make you look! Also, I may disappear for awhile for completely unrelated reasons.