(How to Do It’s primary objective is to create serious discussion on how to adapt various properties to the silver screen. It is not about my dream cast for a Great Lakes Avengers television show. But seriously, Ellie Kemper IS Squirrel Girl.)
On 9/11/11, our great nation had finally put behind us a great tragedy. While the rest of the channels were busy airing memorandums on the tenth anniversary of some thing, HBO was doing the important work like airing yet another Broadwalk Empire promo and ensuring True Blood’s season finale will trick viewers into watching another sh*tty season (LOL TARA). Most importantly, it finally put an end to what can only be described as a plague upon humanity. On 9/11/11, HBO aired the series finale of Entourage.
As we approached the next day with a sense of relief, closure, and finally being able to feel safe, talks of a possible Entourage movie started swirling around and the nightmare that we’ve been living for seven years suddenly returned to haunt us. How could this possibly be a good idea? How could we let this happen? Where was our government going to intervene? How can such evil exist in the world?
Well, my friends, I have come up with six ways on how the nauseating notion of an Entourage movie can work. Anything other than these six reasons should be considered as an act of terrorism.
Vinnie Chase stars in a sequel to Aquaman & Medellin simultaneously
Remember how the character of Vincent Chase was in James Cameron’s Aquaman and made him super famous? Remember how right after that he played Pablo Escobar in Medellin and it nearly destroyed his career? Why not mesh the best and worst of Vinnie Chase’s career and make Pablo Aquabar, a film in which Aquaman falls into a criminal lifestyle and rises up to head Atlantis’s most dangerous drug cartel. It’ll give the dark portrayal that Aquaman deserves without a gay beard or a sh*tty hook-hand thingy as well give us the opportunity to watch Vinnie Chase in a fat suit (again). CAN’T LOSE! A lot of Entourage fans always talk about how they wish the fake movies within the TV show were real, why not give them the chance to see what a terrible idea that really is?
The character of Vinnie Chase is SOOOO COOOL because he has sex with a whole lot of women. Waitresses, stewardesses, twins, your mom, EVERYBODY. But the final episode, the man decides to settle down and marry a reporter that interviewed him two episodes before (um..what LOLZ). With the illustrious Vinnie Chase now off the market, I’m sure the trysts of episodes past must be crying out for blood. Enter Mandy Moore (Vincent’s high school sweetheart lulz) as she leads an army of 300 women who’ve slept with Vincent Chase as they do what they can to stop the wedding between Vinnie Chase and the english reporter broad (she was literally in two episodes, I can’t be bothered to remember her name).
Forget continuing the story line of Entourage, who the hell wants to see more douchery, weed smoking and zaney situations that fix themselves within five minutes? We’ve had six seasons of that crap, can’t take any more. But what if i were to tell you the same characters were really babies and the perverse male fantasies that happens in every episode was the product of imagination? Would that not blow your mind!? Every episode seems like it’s written by a sad, hyperactive child so why not go all the way?
Entourage is exposed as a terrorist cell
As I said in the intro, the final episode aired on the ten year anniversary of terrorists crashing two planes into the Twin Towers. The last scene of Entourage involves the gang splitting up and flying off in two separate planes to an undisclosed location. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! Give us a retrospective in which we find out that the crew were really a terrorist cell, sent to infiltrate Hollywood and pass of as typical industry jerk offs as they plan an attack to take down the infidels. It would explain their behavior over the years, as pretending to be this gross representation of an American douche bag surely must’ve taken it’s toll.
Entourage Goes to Hell
Remember how Ghostbusters was supposed to have a sequel in which they go to hell? It’d be a shame to waste an idea like that, so I purpose we send the gang into Hell. Being that they are responsible for 9/11 (allegedly), I can’t think of a group of people more deserving of the level of torture and suffering that only Hell could provide. Such a torture could include being raped by Jeremy Piven’s Emmy as they’re forced to listen to that awful “AWWW YEAAAA” theme song on loop for the rest of eternity. No punishment will ever be enough for the pain they have inflicted upon the viewing public, but it’s a start.
When all of the ideas above fail because they’re declared too high concept or too expensive for HBO to produce, at least you know we can always resort to adding vampires. It works for True Blood and vampires are the new vampires, so let’s get some fake fangs and make that Aquaman money son!
Obviously this is all in jest, and while Entourage is responsible for some of the worst writing in television history, it was still somehow entertaining to watch this perverse fantasy of Hollywood life and rampant douchery. Seriously though, the idea of an Entourage movie is a terrible idea, so stop asking for it. We don’t want another Sex & The City on our hands, do we?