I applied for Dish to pay me $1,300 to watch 13 Stephen King movies, so you don’t have to


Do you like being scared–scared of how much money you’re making!?

USDish.com is looking to prey on your greatest fear of all–economic insecurity–by giving you the chance to watch 13 films based on Stephen King’s works for $1,300. I checked the math (twice) and that comes out to 100 smackaroos a movie. For that much, even I’d be willing to sit through Dreamcatcher again!

Honestly, I’m willing to sit through much worse for much less.

As far as this feast of fear goes, it sounds like some pretty tame stuff. You have to watch the 13 movies, though it’s up in the air if you’re watching them all at once. Are you watching them in a theater or just staying home? Not super clear, but I’m thinking at home. Dish does promise that the movies are on them, at least, which should have been a no-brainer. All you got to do, though, is plunk your butt down, strap on the Fitbit they send you (which you can then sell for even more cash money!), and stare at some films–while tracking your every emotion through the entire experience. Oh, you’ll also get a “survival kit” with popcorn and a flashlight. Cool, I guess.

The thirteen adaptations Dish has selected for your binge are as follows:

  • Carrie (original or 2013 remake)
  • Children of the Corn
  • Christine
  • Creepshow
  • Cujo
  • Dreamcatcher
  • It (original or 2017 remake)
  • The Mist
  • Pet Sematary (original or 2019 remake)
  • Salem’s Lot
  • The Shining
  • Thinner
  • Misery

Is this a bad list? No, it seems fine. Just replace Dreamcatcher with Maximum Overdrive, and I think it’d be a pretty definitive collection. I can’t imagine this being any kind of heart-racing gauntlet of terror, though. I’m pretty well inured to horror, so maybe I’m not one to judge. If you do plan on filling out their college-style application explaining why you’re the best candidate and what you hope to gain (lol) from the experience, you should probably sell yourself as a giant scaredy cat who jumps out of his or her seat when there’s even an image of a spider on the TV screen.

Also, there’s a tidbit that mentions tracking your thoughts before the movie, so you also should lie and pretend that you somehow haven’t seen any of these movies before. Dish is paying you $1,300 so they can make a fancy graph with a title like “The Scariest Stephen King Movie Is…” plastered above it, so you might as well lie your ass off to earn a job as their data mine. In fact, I did. Below is my (winning) entry. You now have no need to apply. Seriously, though, don’t apply. I want to win, because I’m poor.

There’s no way that won’t make the grade, so like my old man used to say, just give up before you even start!

If you do decide for some reason to submit an application (or video), your deadline is October 15. Make it a good one–or a really stupid one, because this going to go to some lame “influencer” no matter what. There’s a reason you can add a Twitter handle to your application and Dish mentions that you’re free to share the experience on social media or even (sigh) vlog it.

Now you need to be famous just to win a sweepstakes. This is truly the worst time to be alive.

Kyle Yadlosky
Kyle Yadlosky only cares about trash. The trippy, bizarre, DIY, and low-budget are his home. He sleeps in dumpsters and eats tinfoil. He also writes horror fiction sometimes.