KFC has officially entrusted their secret recipe to RoboCop… for some reason


Just as a reminder that the film industry is nothing but a corporate machine that chews up icons, gnashing them into a barely recognizable paste, and spits them out while forcing us to pay for the right to watch, KFC has turned Colonel Sanders into RoboCop, and I have no idea why.

Is it dumb? Sure. Is it worth gawking at out of morbid curiosity? Most definitely. Does it make me want to eat fried chicken? No more than usual (though Bojangles’ is my go-to). Does it have anything to do with the announced sequel to the original RoboCop? I guess it’s possible.

Really, I think this whole expensive venture only exists to let us know that KFC moved its secret recipe to Bahnhof, which is a Swedish ISP that stores its servers in an underground bunker. I can only imagine how much it cost to get the RoboCop license just so that KFC could make this commercial, but I guess that’s the benefit of having all the money in the world and the ability to have droves of people notice you at the drop of a hat. Yet here I am, noticing.

This is the latest bid of “Hey kids, we get it!” irreverence to attract Millennial eyes on Twitter. 80’s kids do love RoboCop, so they might as well lean on that in the weirdest way possible. They’ll never top existential Steak-Umm’s, but they could at least put chicken poppers in an avocado or build affordable housing above their restaurants to show they’re trying. All this does is give people a chance to say “Oh, that’s odd,”  while not paying attention to the move itself, which no one cares about–except for the corporate thieves who all now know the recipe’s location! The idiots! Good thing they have RoboCop on their side, now.

And that’s where we set the stage for RoboCop Returns: Extra Crispy Carnage! The city is Detroit, the year is 2050. There’s only one functioning facility left in the city, a huge security center that employs most of Detroit’s population. Surrounded by turrets and armed guards is the most technologically advanced system of locks and vaults anyone has every seen, burrowing miles beneath the earth’s surface. At its core–Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe and a suspicious freezer full of packets that are shipped to restaurants across the globe daily. What could be inside?

One band of thugs teamed with a crew of elite mercenaries are determined to find out and sell that recipe for big money. They just run into one problem: mother fucking RoboCop! He’s the secret recipe–for destruction! After a lengthy (and very bloody) fight, one mercenary breaks in and reveals the recipe. Both he and RoboCop freeze and gasp in horror. RoboCop murders the mercenary but still throws open the freezer and tears apart a packet. He has to know what’s inside, if the recipe is true or a decoy. But it’s all too true.

Inside are a bundle of freeze-dried pubes.

Gross. No wonder the recipe is such a secret. The film ends with RoboCop burning the security facility to the ground while feasting on delicious Bojangles’ fried chicken. The end. Product-placement paycheck earned.

Anyway, this is a weird thing that happened on the internet today.

Kyle Yadlosky
Kyle Yadlosky only cares about trash. The trippy, bizarre, DIY, and low-budget are his home. He sleeps in dumpsters and eats tinfoil. He also writes horror fiction sometimes.