By Here’s some unsolicited advice from the internet, Paramount–I hear you’re into that–don’t throw away the mummified corpse of Sonic that you only allowed us to glimpse before casting away forever. You can’t do that to us. We need it.
I’m as happy as the next guy that Paramount designed a version of Sonic that doesn’t look like the Pikachu from Strokemon. Scarring children for life is uncool, I’m told. With Sonic back on track, the studio’s set to make a good deal of gold off the blue blur. That’s great.
But some gold isn’t all the gold, and they have one surefire way to cash in for all this controversy is worth. Release it. We know Paramount has the entire Sonic the Hedgehog movie locked away on a hard drive somewhere complete with this monstrosity that even Roger Corman would reject–and that anemic creation, looking like a young boy with giant teeth wearing Sonic’s skin Buffalo Bill style, could drive blu-ray sales (or at least Redbox rentals) to the moon. There’s a sizable subset of people like myself who, while impressed by the revision, honestly hoped Paramount would either be too cynical or lazy to change the original design, or that the internet could keep quiet long enough for them to release an officially sanctioned Sanic to the masses. This didn’t happen, and now that I’ve abandoned all hope of seeing it disgrace theaters, can it at least disgrace my home?
People lose their shit over special edition blu-rays with alternate (probably worse) versions of films they already saw in theaters as it is. Black and white Mad Max? People ate that crap up! That’s nothing but slapping a saturation slider to the left. What we have with Sonic is much more interesting and dynamic–a one-of-a-kind experience that would move millions more copies than a Sonic the Hedgehog sans Sanic Vision.
One of my most prized possessions growing up was Kung Pow: Enter the Fist on DVD. Sure, the film is a wonderful classic perfect in its original form, but hidden in the menus was a secret version of the movie without any dubs. Most of the film isn’t in English, so the bulk was incomprehensible to my ears, but it was a blast to see the nonsense Steve Oedekerk spat out in English to later dub over. It was weird, pointless, disposable, and I cherished it deeply. What Sonic the Hedgehog has is so much more than that. This incarnation of Sonic could be exulted forever.
In fact, in a decade it could become the definitive version of Sonic. The thing about idiots who love garbage is that if we watch a terrible film long enough, we start to convince ourselves it’s not only good but better than anything that’s actually good. Look at what happened to The Room. It climbed from unwatchable filth to midnight movie sensation to having its director regarded as an auteur in a movie about its making. That can happen with Sonic. Can you see James Franco in a ratty Sonic suit screaming about going fast while critics murmur that he might win an Oscar for it? I can, and it’s a thing of beauty.
The internet needs to push for this release. Much like the redesign, it’s in Paramount’s best interests anyway. If they resign their unholy abomination to film history’s dumpster we’ll spend the rest of our lives wondering what could have been. If they want money and esteem, then they need to release it. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I’m a blogger.
