Creepy Crawlers are the reason I didn’t learn to cook until I was in my mid-twenties. The anti-Easy-Bake Oven left a deep impression in me that anything I cooked should spurt neon green guts when I smashed it under my fist, or it wasn’t worth the effort.
I’ve since grown up, realized my errors, became a productive member of society, and forgot about Creepy Crawlers. But Paramount Players has me punching baked potatoes all over again, since they’ve bought the film rights to the Creepy Crawlers toy line.
There isn’t a writer or director attached or any additional details, but this sounds like a pretty good idea that I have faith will see the light of day.
This is because Creepy Crawlers are objectively awesome, of course. Whether the baked globs are bugs or monsters or human organs, they’re vibrant, wobbly, sticky, and always scare girls. And a film should be easy enough to pull off with the pantheon of amazing video work already dedicated to the license.
I mean, just look at this commercial.
Or this one.
If you don’t have boys chucking bugs, girls screaming in helpless terror, lots of jelly guts, and even adult men losing their minds at the freakish fun of squishing insects in their palms all with cuts to heads spinning and more girls screaming, you haven’t made a Creepy Crawlers movie. It’s as simple as that.
If I were in charge, we’d use the same budget, track down some of these actors to reprise their iconic roles, and we’d stretch this nonsense out to feature length. It would be the most literal 90-minute toy commercial of all time.
Next, I’m hoping we’ll get a movie based on those sticky hands you slap onto windows. Just imagine a boy who, after a freak accident at his uncle’s chemical plant, ends up with a pair of sticky arms. Sure, it’s tough with his lunch tray and stuff sticking to him all the time, and the other kids make fun of him. But then the evil gym teacher decides that if no one can climb a giant rope the height of the entire school, then gym class will last forever. Is this boy sticky enough to get the job done? Think about the drama.
Excuse me, everyone. I’m on my way to Hollywood, now.