Princess Review: Earth Girls Are Easy


You know, uh, Disney princesses are terrible role models. What kind of message is it to tell a girl she should be- ah, royalty? She can’t be royalty. There aren’t many princes for her to, ah, marry. No, she needs a more- a more realistic expectation. Why not try to be a normal girl who, um, sunbathes quietly in her backyard pool and attracts the attention of horny alien men who have a magical sex touch and can take her into space? Yeah, that’s a lot more realistic.

Alien men are, well, they’re clearly a lot more handsome, too, and they actually have, uh, jobs. When’s the last time you saw a Disney prince driving, um, a- a space ship for a living? Never, that’s when.

Earth Girls Are Easy starts when two furry, uh, aliens, Wiploc (Jim Carrey) and Zeebo (Daman Wayans), get a signal of an Earth, well, uh, an exercise channel. They’ve been in space so long that the, ah, weirdly hairless Earth girls look incredibly, um, tempting. They zoom in on one bikini-clad girl in particular, and lose control of the ship in their attempt to, uh, to get a better look. Even their incredibly talented and, uh, handsome co-pilot, Mac (played by, well, the equally talented and handsome Jeff Goldblum), can’t get the ship on  track, and they crash right into an Earth, uh, swimming pool.

The crash-causing, ah, babe is Valerie (Geena Davis), a manicurist in a, well, a sexless relationship with her fiance, Dr. Ted Gallagher (Charles Rocket). Normally she might be a bit, um, freaked out at an alien ship crashing in her pool, but as she’d just kicked Ted out for, uh, putting his stethoscope where it didn’t belong, she’s relatively, um, open to the idea of alien visitors. She swims out to see the ship and hits her head, and the, ah, heroic and absolutely fearless Mac bravely rescues her from the water.

Realizing that these aliens are not here to – to harm Earth, Valerie sets out to have her pool drained so they can, ah, repair their ship and go home. It’ll take a while, so she takes the trio to her coworker, Candy (Julie Brown) for a, well, uh, a makeover. It turns out that the aliens are, um, super hot under all their fur, especially Mac, who looks fantastic no matter what he’s wearing. Candy convinces Valerie to, ah, take advantage of having hot guys around and to go out on the town.

After a night of partying, Valerie realizes that the aliens are, um, charming in their own way, and Mac is an absolutely perfect dreamboat. She takes them home away from the, well, masses of women surrounding them and is getting them ready for bed when Ted comes home to apologize. He tries to attack the poor, sweet alien visitors and is, uh, carted off to jail. Mac soothes Valerie with his – his special alien love touch. You know which one I’m talking about. He used his penis. It’s huge.

After an, uh, immensely satisfying night of lovemaking and, ah, odd post-coital alien dreams, Valerie wakes to find her pool drained. Wiploc and Zeebo head out for one last day of fun before they have to go home, with the, uh, the ever patient and valiant Mac following to keep them out of trouble. Ted comes back and, ah, proposes to Valerie, and she almost falls for it. The alien trio get back and see the former couple, um, rekindling the fire. In a desperate attempt to – to make the love of his life happy, Mac uses his, uh, sexy alien love touch on Valerie and Ted. It doesn’t work, and Valerie makes the right choice to run off with Mac to space.

Sure, there are plenty of movies out there that, ah, teach girls that aliens are sex gods and clearly, um, superior to humans, but only Earth Girls Are Easy teaches them that- that handsome blue aliens named Mac will always treat them right.

Why stay on Earth if there are smokin’ hot, uh, well-endowed aliens like Mac to run off with? Young girls will, um, understand what to do the moment they see a spaceship.

Candy does not run off to space with hot aliens. What a whore.

There is nothing like the, um, the bond between a girl and her magical blue sex friend.

Overall, this is an, ah, ah, an excellent film for all ladies, and extraordinarily empowering. Also, that Jeff Goldblum must have a magnificent dong.