I’m not a huge coffee drinker. I don’t drink the stuff daily, nor do I even drink it on occasion, but I’ve recently found that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to wake up. Seeing as how I actually needed coffee for once, and that these were available in the press lounge (created to promote Star Wars: Episode VII), I figured I could knock out two birds with one stone.
Boy was that a bad idea. I guess going from never using any creamer to suddenly using every creamer ever invented was the worst thing I’ve ever ingested. And I’m included Denny’s and Krispy Kreme in this. Pray to whatever god you choose to believe in because I’m slowly dying.
[Snaxist is all about movie endorsed food. We’ll stuff our faces, destroy our bodies, and write about it for your entertainment!]
Since there’s no point in drawing this out (because I’ve only got a few hours of life left), I’ll give you some mini-reactions with each flavor. There are five in total, and for each flavor I drank a new cup of coffee. In order to get the most out of the creamer, I did half coffee, half creamer for each cup. At the time it seemed like a good idea to drink all of these in one sitting, but retrospection makes fools of us all. I have no idea why I did this. Was I worried they were going somewhere? I knew they’d be around all weekend, but for some awful, awful reason I felt compelled to keep drinking. It’s all for you I guess.
First of all, I don’t like what this flavor’s insinuating. The less coming out of C-3PO, the better. Other than that, it’s a very generic flavor. Not too pungent, but not too inviting either. It’s just too bland to register a taste. Good thing it went first.
R2-D2’s French Vanilla
With how generic hazelnut turned out to be, I had no hopes for vanilla. When you think bland, you think “vanilla,” so what were the chances it’d be good? Surprisingly, it’s my favorite of the creamers. It’s super sweet, but very tasty. It’s what I needed to wash the Hazelnut out of my mouth.
Boba Fett’s Italian Sweet Creme
At this point, I’ve already had way more caffeine than I’m used to so I’m going to blame what happened here on all of that. I don’t really remember this registering any of kind of flavor. I just couldn’t stop laughing at how weird “Boba Fett’s sweet creme” sounded when spoken aloud. I don’t remember how loud I actually was, but it garnered a few worried looks. That’s a memory I’ll certainly carry to my early grave.
Darth Vader’s Espresso Chocolate (New Limited Edition Flavor)
At this point my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on my sweater already. I think it was mom’s spaghetti. I had double vision. So much caffeine, so many random thoughts. Like do you think Vader had enough time to create this chocolate blend? You think there’s an coffee based laboratory in the Empire? Is that why they blew up the Death Star? For its chocolate recipes? Either way, this was once again way too sweet. It tasted like I shoved a chocolate bar down my throat before a coffee chaser. Just hook it to my veins if you want to drown me in it. But it’s the better of the two new flavors.
Chewbacca’s Spiced Latte (New Limited Edition Flavor)
I’d hesitate to actually say this is a “flavor.” But since I was more coffee than man at this point. I had to forge ahead. I was too far in to give up, and I one more cup wasn’t going to give me double vision. Well, that’s pretty much what happened. This one was the only time I physically wretched after drinking, and boy was it bad. It’s got this over-confident cinnamon on the way down and hits you with something completely different in the after taste. I’d had enough.
As soon as I started walking away, it’s like all five cups hit me at once. I don’t know how I got home, but I feel as I’ve come closer to death. I just, just know that’s what happened. I did all for you, so come visit my grave.
Then pour creamer on it.