News broke yesterday that the writer-directors of the forthcoming Star Wars Han Solo spinoff prequel were leaving the project. But things aren’t always as they seem. The day began as any other for Phil Lord and Chris Miller. They’d successfully collected the bounty for both 21 Jump Street and The Lego Movie. The world was their oyster. And they thought they had a chance to collect another fat bounty–the bounty on Han Solo. All they had to do was get his rep, longtime LucasFilm producer Kathleen Kennedy, in a favorable position. They invited her to breakfast for croissants and espresso at the Mos Eisley cantina.
INT. MOS EISELY, CANTINA – DAY [a band of assorted creatures plays some upbeat music in background]
“Where’s the money, Kathleen?” LORD-MILLER pantomimed as one.
“You’ll get your money,” KATHLEEN replied tersely. Tensions had been running high on set for weeks. These weirdos just didn’t understand teamwork or how things were done at LucasFilm! Jar Jar was a great character, and if she wanted him to reappear as a Sith Lord in the new Han movie, then damnit, he would!
“Why don’t you give it to us now?” Lord-Miller demanded, producing a blaster above the table, heaps of chocolate croissants and piping espresso.
“Well I don’t have it now,” Kathleen replied, rolling her eyes and shrugging in that way Han might. Suddenly, she knew what she had to do.
“We’ve been looking forward to this for a long time,” Lord-Miller said, eyeing a large croissant hungrily. Spittle dribbled from the corner of their mouths.
“Me too,” Kathleen replied in ice cold proclamation.
She pulled the trigger. Lord-Miller slumped over their plates, dead, as smoke from her blaster drifted from under the table.
Kathleen stood defiantly and shouted into the descended silence, “HAN SHOT FIRST, BITCH!” Before she darted past a pair of jawas and rushed out the door.
The band started up again.