Welcome one and all to Flixist’s new end of the year awards program, the Golden Cages! With Hollywood becoming increasingly out of touch with what the people like, we at Flixist have taken it upon ourselves to deliver the fair, balanced, dignity-filled awards you deserve. Why are we delivering our 2018 awards so late in the year? Because the Oscars do it and we’re better than them. The winners of the Golden Cages will be spread out over the next two weeks, right before the hostless Academy Awards.
This will mark the second time I’ve written about Little Italy. Totaling my time spent thinking and writing about this movie I’m coming in at about six hours of interaction, which is probably more time than the writers spent coming up with the bog standard romantic comedy script about an Italian neighborhood in Toronto. The Razzies may have crowned Holmes and Watson as the worst film of the year, but here at Flixist, we have awarded The Golden Cage for Worst Film of the year to Little Italy.
Where to even start? Let’s begin with the beginning, the opening voiceover was as smooth as sandpaper, the chemistry between Hayden Christensen and Emma Roberts would have to be measured on the micron scale, and the “jokes” were barely Italian-immigrant stereotypes mixed with things you’d expect to see on your mom’s Facebook feed.
For context, let’s take a look at the Discord logs between me and a friend when I was watching the movie for review:
[1:21 PM] Marzano: two minutes in and I wanna die
[1:21 PM] Friend: that is longer than I thought
[1:25 PM] Marzano: “I learned how to cook, like four Michelin stars good”
[1:25 PM] Marzano: THERE ARE ONLY THREE MICHELIN STARS
[1:26 PM] Friend: that’s just how good he is
[1:46 PM] Friend: I’m worried you might have died from anger
[1:46 PM] Marzano: not anger, desire to not see the next hour and 20 minutes of this shit movie
[2:00 PM] Marzano: we’re on pause break #3
[2:00 PM] Friend: damn
[2:02 PM] Friend: this movie is borderline self-harm for you
[2:06 PM] Marzano: it’s not a 1/10 but it’s definitely not good
[2:08 PM] Friend: you still got a lot of movie left
[2:08 PM] Marzano: oh god
[2:08 PM] Marzano: OH GOD
[2:08 PM] Marzano: “Take the gum, leave the cannolis”
[2:08 PM] Marzano: I
[2:08 PM] Marzano: WANNA
[2:08 PM] Marzano: DIE
[2:08 PM] Friend: hahaha
Truth be told, from the moment we saw the terribly cobbled together poster, the Flixist staff wasn’t expecting much from the movie. But how bad it got was astounding on so many levels. I can’t think of one thing the movie could have done to make itself bearable, it was just so flawed from the start that I’m pretty sure the movie was only made to fulfill tax credits or something.
I can’t really find much more to write about this cold turd, it wasn’t even bad on the level of something you’d enjoy for B-movie pleasures, it was just crap. Time may pass between us and this movie’s release, but for as long as I’m following movies, anytime I see Roberts or Christensen I’ll think of the horrid hour and forty minutes I had to spend with them one afternoon in 2018.