‘The Girl in the Spider’s Web’ gets new, longer, stupid title


David Fincher’s excellent adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is getting a sort-of follow-up in the form of The Girl in the Spider’s Web. It’s a strange situation, with Fincher and stars Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig not returning and Sony pictures instead bringing on director Fede Álvarez (Evil DeadDon’t Breathe) and actress Claire Foy on for this adaptation of the fourth book in the Millenium series. Because it’s a bit confusing, and test audiences are reportedly stupid, the film will have the full title of The Girl in the Spider’s Web: A New Dragon Tattoo Story

This is something I care about way too much.

While I realize that brand recognition is important, and Fincher’s film wasn’t a massive box office hit to begin with, we’re getting into some The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 level nonsense here. To me, it’s The Empire Strikes Back and not goddamn Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, and Modern Warfare 2 without the extraneous Call of Duty in front of it. If you’re gonna make a film title convolutedly long, at least add some flair to it, a la The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, because otherwise, you’re just going to get Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

But I digress. If Sony wants to be more comprehensive, why not just name it The Girl in the Spider’s Web: The Semi-Sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo English Language Remake — Based on the Novel by David Lagercrantz After the Untimely Demise of Original Series Author Stieg Larsson; Starring the Emmy-Winning Lead Actress from The Crown . . . Directed by the Guy Wes Tacos Wish Was Making Evil Dead 2 Instead?

Or you know, just name it Edge of Tomorrow or something more simple like that.