Tom Cruise: Top Gun Sequel is on like Donkey Kong


Though industry rags (yes you, Variety) have yet to run with this blasphemy, reputable rags like USA Today are reporting on the revelation that aired on some little known news program from … and let me confirm I’m getting this right with the research team … Australia (apparently, some sort of Imperial British penal colony, populated by deadly snakes, spiders, and Paul Hogan) … where Tom Cruise revealed that yes, he is working on a sequel to 1986’s Top Gun, and that he expects filming to begin in the next year.

Hell yes. Fuck yes. I’ve been waiting 31  years for this glory to happen. Let me tell you, as a small boy, living in the wasteland beautiful country that is Alaska, at the time that Top Gun was released, living in constant fear of Russian invasions (Red Dawn), or Russian bombings (Top Gun) or Russian dressing on my salad at my babysitter’s (Mrs. Krogan, your lunches were garbage), this film was all to real for me. From the life and death dog fights over disputed territories, to the salacious sexual trysts with hot blonde mommas, this was life in Alaska. We practiced ducking under our desks e’ry day in my hood. Ursa Minor Elementary for life! (Or until I moved away at age 8.) I’ve been Iceman, as an adult man, for Halloween, and I’ll tell you–everyone gets this reference. EVERYONE. Clearly, there is an audience–nay, an intense need–for this sequel to be made. And in case you’re worriedly thinking: oh no, they’ve made all the Tom Cruise properties into sequels already, what will we have left after Top Gun? Fear not!

I give you, Geriatric Whorehouse: Risky Business II. Tagline: “It’s Always Risky, When You’re Not Sure They’re Wearing Depends.” Just imagine Tom cruise in some tighty whities and a button down shirt. Mmm, don’t those old man chicken thighs look delicious.

And while expectations for Top Gun II are currently sky high, we’ll need to wait and see if it can attain the wild, legendary level of success achieved by other such notable fighter combat sequels such as Iron Eagle II



[Via USA Today]