WARNING: The above trailer for
Transformers Battleship contains dangerous levels of baddassery, ‘splosions and dubsteb that it may be harmful to anyone with any kind of sensitivities to awesomeness. For those poor unfortunate few, I’ve taken the liberty of describing the trailer blow by blow.
There’s a giant ship passing through the lens flare canal, and in that ship lies that guy from the Halo vidya gamez. They open up his mask dome thingy and BOOM, HULK EYES! Some big metal transformer thingy jumps out the water as the dubstep musics starts with the wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub. Liam Nesson gruffly says “I WANT EVERYTHING LOADED” as these sentient wheel thingies pop out like gremlins from Gizmo’s back and start trashing office buildings like “WHUT NOW BRAH!?”. Rihanna gets wet, wheel thingy takes down a flipping helicopter, and that doofy kid from Friday Night Lights makes a doofy face (SURPRISE!). Liam Neeson puts down his phone in shock like Will Smith in Bad Boys, some guy who isn’t Jeff Goldblum spouts science danger crap, wheel thingys mess up more office buildings and cars. Someone says “WE’RE NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT” and loads up his rifle and then…MOTHERF*CKING ‘SPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE. Shells blow up, metal rips like papers and more ‘splosions as far as the eyes can see. Some white guy says “hit it”, Rihanna says “boom” with pouty lips, and then the rockets fly directly towards you. Fade to black.