This week in trailers we have a few notable standouts. Namely White House Down for its pure hutzpah as it releases a four minute trailer. Like holy moley bologna, Batman! Four minutes? Let’s try and think of things we could have done in the four minutes it takes to watch the entire trailer for White House Down. Let’s see, I could have eaten four cupcakes, I could have made a sandwich, I could have bought several carbon offsets, I could have filed for bankruptcy, I could have painted my toenails, and all kinds of other manly, adult things.
Other notables are the first trailer for The Hobbit sequel, The Desolation of Smaug, a new international trailer for The Wolverine which features more of the Silver Samurai, the first trailer for the presequel 300: Rise of an Empire, and other trailers we didn’t get to cover during the week. Hit the jump for the full deets.
300: Rise of an Empire (March 7, 2014 lol)
Starring: Attractive Yelling Guy, Guy With Piercings, Guy With Helmet, Eva Green
Synopsis: Taking place at the same time as 300, 299 Themistokles leads his 300 muscly dudes in a fight against the Persian army at sea.
Comments: Yup, it definitely looks like a sequel to a movie from six years ago.
Verdict: More like Rise of a Meh-pire.
Diana (September 20th in the UK)
Starring: Naomi Watts and Naveen Andrews
Synopsis: Diana is a biopic about the life of Princess Diana and focuses on her secret affair with a heart surgeon.
Comments: This is pretty much 2013’s Lincoln.
Verdict: “Dirty Dianaaaaa, Nahhhhhhhhh! Dirty Dianaaaaaa, Nooooooooo!”
Elysium (August 8th)
Starring: Matt Damon, Sharlto Copley, and Jodie Foster
Synopsis: Matt Damon wears a Kawasaki sponsored exoskeleton in order to take down the upper class living in a city in the sky above Earth while the poor are left to live in filth.
Comments: I can’t distinguish anything out of Damon’s garglemouth as actual dialogue.
Verdict: I guess Elysium might be good for a garglemargayargayara.
In A World… (August 9th)
Starring: Lake Bell, Fred Melamed, Dimitri Martin, Rob Corddry, Nick Offerman, and Geena Davis. Wait, Geena Davis? OH.
Synopsis: Written and directed by Lake Bell, a meta-comedy in which a woman is trying to make her way in the predominantly male trailer voiceover business. Shes also learns to love, live, and all that jazz.
Comments: The trailer was charming, but the buzz from Sundance this year wasn’t all too positive.
Verdict: Maybe you’ll watch this…in a world where this is the only film available.
Man of Tai Chi (no domestic release date)
Starring: Badass dude from Hong Kong, The Raid Guy, and Neo
Synopsis: Neo now goes by the name Shang Tsung and is holding a fighting tournament so Outworld could invade Earthrealm. Also something about turning the pure hearted “Man of Tai Chi” into a killer. Pretty much an excuse to show dudes punching other dudes real good.
Comments: As Jordan Mann pointed out in the comments, “A martial arts movie with a white guy… who ISN’T there to he himself learn martial arts and save the day? In fact Keanu looks like he’s the bad guy here. I’m interested in this on merit of plot alone.” and you know what? I’m all in too.
Verdict: “Whoaaaa I can do Tai Chiiiii.”
R.I.P.D. (July 19th)
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Louise Parker (My Boo)
Synopsis: Nick (Ryan Reynolds) is a cop who is murdered, as he dies, he’s recruited to the Rest In Piece Department, a supernatural police force that hunts down the dead who walk among the living.
Comments: As mentioned by GrimDingo in the comments of the first trailer, RIPD is basically Men in Black with dead people. And that sounds like a good time.
Verdict: If there’s nothing else that weekend, you could probably see a worse movie.
Snowpiercer (No domestic release date)
Starring: Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton Ed Harris, Ewen Bremner, Octavia Spencer, and other notable Korean actors and actresses.
Synopsis: After a failed experiment causes a new ice age and the last survivors are all on a train named “Snowpiercer,” Chris Evans leads the lowers class in a revolt against the upper class.
Comments: This looks soooooooooooooooo good.
Verdict: If, and when, it gets to other non-Korean shores, I’ll definitely line up to see this.
The Frozen Ground (August 23rd)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, 50 Cent, and Vanessa Hudgens
Synopsis: “Nic Cage is a detective tracking a serial killer played by John Cusack. In order to find him he enlists the help of one of Cusack’s almost victims, the stripper Vanessa Hudgens.”
Comments: 50 CENT PLAYS A GUY NAMED PIMP CLATE JACKSON.
Verdict: Vanessa Hudgens plays a stripper, you say? I’ve already bought 12 tickets.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (December 13th)
Starring: Dumbleneto, Orlando Bloom n’ Onion, and other favorites from the first movie.
Synopsis: Starts right when the first film ends, but this time the Dwarves fight a dragon or something.
Comments: Look I’m not a big Lord of the Rings guy, so I guess if you liked the other films, you’ll like this too? Someone help me out here.
Verdict: I hope Denny’s comes out with that Hobbit Menu again.
White House Down (June 28th)
Starring: Jamie Foxx and Channing Tatum
Synopsis: John Everyman wants to apply to the Secret but fails, then terrorists attack the White House and kidnap Everyman’s daughter. Now Everyman and President Not-Obama must fight through the White House and take it back for AMERICA.
Comments: This looks wonderfully stupid and entertaining as all get out.
Verdict: Since this is basically Die Hard multiplied by America, I can’t see a better way to spend your time.
The Wolverine (July 25th)
Starring: Hugh Jackman and some other people who aren’t Hugh Jackman or his glorious muscles.
Synopsis: After the events of X3: The Last Stand, Wolvie travels to Japan and grows a scraggly beard. Then his powers to heal are taken away by a dying Japanese man. Then action stuff happens.
Comments: This trailer actually makes The Wolverine make a lot more sense now. It seems his powers to heal are taken away rather than stupidly given away as hinted at in previous trailers. At least Wolvie seems less of a meathead now.
Verdict: Well, at least it looks better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine.