Trailer Round-up: Hurr Durr Derp


There’s a great energy taking over Flixist. It’s a new year, we’ve got a new lay out and a new staff member (HEY MAX) and we’ve been generally kicking ass. Now that the Trailer Round-up has reached double digits, I’ve decided to shake things up a bit and switch the format up. Also, there will be 65% more saltiness. Enjoy!

There’s a great energy taking over Flixist. It’s a new year, we’ve got a new lay out and a new staff member (HEY MAX) and we’ve been generally kicking ass. Now that the Trailer Round-up has reached double digits, I’ve decided to shake things up a bit and switch the format up. Also, there will be 65% more saltiness. Enjoy!{{page_break}}

The Ward
Starring: Amber Heard, the English guy from Mad Men.
Synopsis: Crazy hot girl likes burning things, is admitted into a mental institution for other crazy hot girls. Also, ghosts.
+ John Carpenter was responsible for such classics as The Thing, They Live, and Halloween.
– John Carpenter was responsible for Ghost of Mars.

Comments: Though there are a ton of ghost horror movies out there and Sucker Punch satisfies my quota of hot girls in a mental institution (hmmm…Jamie Chung), I owe the man a chance at redemption. After all, Carpenter directed two of my favorite episodes of Masters of Horror a couple years ago, and The Ward seems to be on the right track.
Verdict: Matinee it, hopefully be redeemed for awful Ice Cube movie.

Burning Palms
Starring: Jamie Chung, Jamie Chung and Jamie Chung. Also, some other people.
Synopsis: Five tales set in Los Angeles that will “mess you up for life” Though not much can be gathered from the trailer, it’s humor does seem to be a little black. Also, Jamie Chung is in it.
+ Jamie Chung
+ Jamie Chung
– Not enough Jamie Chung

Comments: As you can tell, I’m slightly infatuated with Jamie Chung. I really don’t know why considering I’ve never watched The Real World and she has yet to do anything worth of merit. Despite the trailer’s vagueness and my borderline obsession with Mrs. Jamie Bolivar, I can’t help but answer the film’s call to “mess me up for life”.
Verdict: Curious enough to watch it. When does it come out? January 14th? You mean it’s already out in theaters? Wow, I'm a bit late. Meh, I’ve got other sh*t to do.

The Resident
Starring: Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Christopher Lee.
Synopsis: Woman get’s awesome apartment for cheap, turns out it’s cheap because pervy neighbor is able to watch her get naked. Neighbor soon regrets for not picking a hotter tenant.
+ Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Christopher Lee.
+ Hilary Swank, to a smaller extent
– obvious ADT Security plug
– seriously, they couldn’t pick a hotter person than Hilary Swank?

Comments: Um, the apartment sure looks gorgeous?
Verdict: I’ll catch it on cable.

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto … I can never tell
Synopsis: Jared Gyllenhaal must bang dudes and chicks in order to save the world. Also, do a lot of drugs.
+ lots of pretty colors
+ overly sexualized gonzo qualities.
– effect of world blowing up looks like it was created by a 10 yr old.
– unfunny Mel Gibson joke featured in trailer, meaning that some jerk actually thought it was clever.

Comments: Ever wanted to watch an overly sexualized version of Donnie Darko? No? Me neither.
Verdict: Stop supporting Donnie Darko clones. Matter of fact, stop supporting Donnie Darko. That movie really wasn’t that great.

Eldorado in 3D
Starring: The ghosts of Daryl Hannah, Steve Guttenberg and Michael Madsen’s career. Also, the actual ghost of David Carradine.
Synopsis: The Jews Brothers (I’m sorry, what!?) must go on a quest to make certain washed up actors relevant and make Jim Belushi spin in his grave.
+ 3D! (I think)
+ Raul Julia can now rest in peace now that David Carradine took the honor of worst final performance.
– They’re one Tom Sizemore away from creating the most useless movie ever created.
– Guttenberg just ruined his credibility after his appearance in Party Down.

Comments: Must I comment on this? This looks absolutely terrible and completely unfunny.
Verdict: Watch it drunk with friends on a bootleg. In no way must you support this crap.

Starring: Josh Radnor, Tony Hale and some beast they’re trying to convince me is Malin Akerman.
Synopsis: A bearded writer who lives in New York falls in love with a bar maid, swoons said barmaid with dry wit and a destructive charm. Basically, it’s about me. Also has something to do with an abandoned subway baby and cancer.
+ beard = writer. GOT IT.
+ quirky title without spaces = hip. DOUBLE GOT IT.
+ Ted Mosby and Buster Bluth, together at last.
– yet another “romances in New York” tale.

Comments: It’s a long episode of How I Met Your Mother except they took away Jason Segel, NPH and the Bob Saget voiceover. I’m pretty sure the movie still has a laugh track. No? Ok so then it’s only a little bit like HIMYM.
Verdict: I’ll wait until it’s randomly playing at a hipster house party.

Synopsis: A man is stuck in a space station orbiting Earth, starts to go crazy and gets really into a book about the Civil War.
+ gorgeous visuals
+ interesting concept
+ Moon-like qualities
– Angels & Airwaves affiliation

Comments: I haven’t really kept up with Tom DeLonge since his Blink 182 days and I remember not caring for his new band Angels & Airwaves. Though I think this is essentially an elongated music video to accompany their album (also titled Love), I can’t help but be captivated by it’s visuals and similarity to Moon (a greatly under appreciated film). I’m cautious because it seems like another film/commercial for a recording artist, a la Kanye’s Runaway film. Still, I’m intrigued.
Verdict: I’d watch it, but I don’t live in Santa Barbara.

A Little Bit of Heaven
Starring: Kate Hudson, Gael Garcia Bernal, that black guy from Weeds/No Ordinary Family, Whoopi Goldberg.
Synopsis: Loosey head strong business woman likes to have a good time and doesn’t want to be tied down. Smooth Latin doctor makes her fall in love, also tells her she has cancer. Also, Whoopi Goldberg is GOD.
+ Jennifer Aniston feels less sh*tty about the movies she’s been in.
– Taliban has another reason to hate us.
– Gael Garcia Bernal is better than this
– Whoopi Goldberg as God means that The View is the catholic church.

Comments: Seriously, Kate Hudson, what the f*ck? You had so much going for you in Almost Famous, yet you chose to star in a steady stream of rom com dreck. You’re tearing me apart, Penny Lane. Do you want to end up like Jennifer Aniston? No? Then stop banging athletes and get your sh*t together.
Verdict: Burn it with fire.


And thus the conclusion to the tenth Trailer Round-up. Please, let me know if you like the new format and what works and what doesn't. Hell if it's unpopular I just might return to the old format and you'll have witnessed the Crystal Pepsi of Trailer Round-ups.