I’m really proud of my Flixist brethren for the fact that we’ve lasted the entire week without once making an obvious Charlie Sheen reference. After all, that depressing nut bag has gotten enough exposure, and we here at Flixist don’t resort to cheap humor. Still, I couldn’t help but lower myself and offer a special Sheen centric edition of the Trailer Round-up. With the help of livethesheendream.com, I have replaced every verdict with a corresponding “Sheen-ism”. Remember, you are all my goddesses, and I’m an F-18 bro.
Puss in Boots
Starring: an anthropomorphic cat who represents spanish stereotypes.
Synopsis: There is an evil dead horse causing havoc in fairy tale land. With the help of Dreamworks, it’s up to Puss in Boots to find said horse and kick it repeatedly.
Comments: Just when I thought I was finally free of Shrek, here comes yet another attempt to squeeze amore money out of the franchise. I mean, does anybody care about Puss in Boots other than a tired cute kitty gag and an occasional cat nip joke?
Verdict: “Rock bottom? That’s a fishing term.”
Kung Fu Panda 2
Starring: an anthropomorphic panda who represents Asian stereotypes.
Synopsis: There is an evil dead horse causing havoc in Asia (?) Lands. With the help of Dreamworks, it’s up to the Kung Fu Panda, er, Panda, to find said horse and kick it repeatedly.
Comments: This all seems familiar.
Verdict: “It’s funny how sheep rhymes with sleep.”
Starring: Dane Cook as a secondary character, relative unknowns as main characters.
Synopsis: kids go to detention, there’s a killer on the loose, I think I saw a spaceship?
Comments: I’m really confused about this open. I honestly can’t make what’s what or what this movie is trying to be. All I know is that because Dane Cook is in it, so it gets minus 1 point.
Verdict: “Park your nonsense bro.”
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
Starring: Superman, that guy who helped Stella get her groove back.
Synopsis: Human detective must prevent a war between werewolves, vampires, zombies and other ghouls
Comments: I feel like this one is trying way too hard to be quirky and funny. Considering it’s based on a french comic book series and it’s called Dylan Dog, I’m already has an air of sillyness.
Verdict: “They picked a fight with a warlock.”
Radio Free Albemuth
Starring: that chick who had sex with Joey Gladstone and wrote a song about it, the chubby guy from Mad Men.
Synopsis: um … wait what?
Comments: It’s a (Phillip K.) Dick story, so it has that going for it. Sadly, the visuals and quality seems like that of a low budget student film. Still, seems quite, er, heady? I don’t know, I’m really confused right now.
Verdict: “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
The Hangover Part 2
Starring: Zach Galifianakis and some other guys who contribute nothing. Also, a clothed monkey.
Synopsis: The gang go to a third world country, get drunk, debauchery ensues.
Comments: Considering that every joke from the first Hangover has been regurgitated ad nauseum, I guess it’s now opportune time for a sequel to which we repeat lines from ad nauseum. With that being said, I love the fact that the trailer avoids any kind of joke and takes on a more darker tone.
Verdict: “Mistook this rockstar, bro.”
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel
Synopsis: Horrible school teacher decides to turn her class around in an effort to win prize money which she will use to pay for her breast implants so she can seduce the rich substitute teacher.
Comments: You read the synopsis right. This movie is basically Cameron Diaz cursing at children. Why would you pay money to see that. I curse at little children all the time, and let me tell you it’s not that much fun.
Verdict: “Really dude, really?”
Starring: Rainn Wilson, that Juno/Inception chick, Liv Tyler and Kevin motherf**king Bacon.
Synopsis: Loser decides to fight crime after his wife leaves him for Kevin Bacon (not sure if Kevin Bacon is playing himself, but he should be).
Comments: Though it bears a lot of similarities to Kick-Ass and other failed vigilante films (Special, that one that Woody Harelson was in, Meteor Man), but Super seems to have a lot of the manic and perverse sensibilities I had always hoped for in a vigilante/superhero film.
Verdict: “Duh, Winning.”