Video game adaptations have screwed Danny DeVito over, and Halo might be his last chance


When Legendary Entertainment and Nintendo announced a Detective Pikachu movie, the internet was given the chance to wonder what the iconic yellow chubster would sound like speaking real English words. Sure, your basic Pikachu would have the high-pitched voice of a child, but you throw a cap and coat on that boy, hand him a magnifying glass, and you got yourself a squat, alcoholic film noir P.I. With that image in mind, people soon realized that the only actor fit to portray this more grizzled Pikachu would be the closest living ancestor to the Pikachu—Danny DeVito.

Soon, a petition swirled, garnering thousands of signatures. We were all sure Legendary and Nintendo were listening, and DeVito would be a shoe-in for the role. But no. They cast Ryan Reynolds. And it’s like, okay, yeah, sure. Let’s get him in the booth, so he can turn Pikachu into a gateway drug for Deadpool. Every child is attached to IMDB these days. They will learn, and they will be ruined.

And besides, Reynolds doesn’t look like a Pikachu, and he certainly doesn’t sound like a Pikachu. He’s the furthest thing from a tiny lovable rat that anyone could imagine. The stars fell from #DeVitoDiVas’ eyes on the day this news circulated and none have quite recovered.

Now, we have news that DeVito has been screwed yet again. Paramount just announced that Doctor Eggman in the Sonic the Hedgehog movie will be played by Jim Carrey. Jim-Fucking-Carrey. Really? Sure, he has the arms and legs for the role, but he certainly doesn’t have the gut. He doesn’t have the baldness. He doesn’t have the sultry phlegm-laced baritone necessary to bring this villain to life.

Danny DeVito has all of this and more. He was absolutely molded from the ground up for this role. More than he is a real life Pikachu, he is an Eggman. He looks like an egg. He walks like a chick that was only able to crack its legs out of the shell. If you were to try to cook him, the man would sizzle like an egg. But again #DeVitoDiVas were shattered. Another role was stolen from the only man with the power to bring Batman‘s The Penguin to life. Food was ripped from his mouth. He may never eat again.

So now, we look to the heavens, and we wonder what could possibly be left for the actor. Only one role remains that he’s suited for, that he’s built for, and that’s in the upcoming HBO Halo series.

He needs to be the Grunts. Not just one. No, we’re letting the man go all in. He needs to be all of them. He has the range. He has the fortitude. Again, he has the look. Only he can pull it off.

Think of all these digitally cloned Danny DeVitos running across the Halo landscape, scampering, and shouting curses as Master Chief kicks and blasts them to screeching hell. He’ll have such iconic lines as, “Cower power!” “He flees, thank the nipple,” “I’m going to spank myself a demon,” and “Fear my blue balls!” It’s a work of beauty. And who knows? The role could be so successful that he gets his own spinoff series or a movie. He’d be the Minions for adults. There’s no possible way that could be a bad idea, folks.

So, let’s come together, #DeVitoDiVas and make #GruntyDeVito happen! What do we need to do? A petition? Two? Three? We could do a Twitter poll. We could also kidnap Steven Spielberg. I’ve never tried to make the internet do anything before, so please help me out. This needs to happen. In such a sad and desperate world, we need this. We need something that can finally bring us all together.

Kyle Yadlosky
Kyle Yadlosky only cares about trash. The trippy, bizarre, DIY, and low-budget are his home. He sleeps in dumpsters and eats tinfoil. He also writes horror fiction sometimes.