Kentucky Fried Chicken as a company is no stranger to being weird. Not like “LOL SO RANDOM” weird but just strange to the point where there must be some inside joke that I don’t think we’re getting. 2019 alone gave us a KFC anime dating sim called I Love You, Colonel Sanders!which asks us deep questions like would we too want to date Colonel Harland Sanders? Then there was the KFC Yule Log which I’m offended no one has gotten me this holiday season. But I’m sure their latest effort, the Lifetime Original movie A Recipe For Seduction, takes the cake in absurdity.
One week before it aired on the Lifetime Network, home to countless soul-crushing Christmas movies, we got a glimpse that yes, A Recipe for Seduction was a short film that actually exists. KFC paid to have this film made and yes, they did get Mario Lopez to star as Harland Sanders. I don’t know why they decided to go with Slater from Saved By The Bell, but that’s the least of my questions. This was a Christmas themed love story starring the Colonel. It would be strange if I didn’t have questions.
So of course I watched it. And of course I had an absolute blast while doing so.
So Harland Sanders is a new chef for an incredibly wealthy family and the daughter of the family, Jessica, starts to fall in love with him. This is after her douche of a boyfriend Billy (ew) decides to propose to her in front of everyone during dinner and it goes without saying that at this high society dinner complete with champagne and servants that they’re all eating some of the Colonel’s finger-licking good chicken. Her mom Bunny is against this since Sanders is one of those filthy poor people and Billy is RICH. Billy (ew) has money and status and a god awful fashion sense while Harland just has his secret recipe and his good looks and a dream. Billy (ew) is also a douche and him and Bunny are secretly having an affair. So drama, am I right?
So anyway, Harland and Jessica meet each other ONCE and fall madly in love, but Billy gets upset and calls Harland a crouton, which forces Harland to say “Don’t call me crouton” in as imposing of a voice as he can make it. I mean, it’s Mario Lopez and the man can be intimidating when needed. But Billy (ew) and Bunny are trying to find some way to get Harland out of the picture so that Jessica is forced to marry Billy (ew).
So Bunny tries to sabotage their romance in such glorious ways like… stealing Jessica’s phone. Oh no, this madwoman, this Lady Macbeth, whatever will she do next? Billy (ew) tries to buy off Harland with a $500,000 check after discovering his secret recipe and doing… absolutely nothing with it. Instead, he just says that Jessica doesn’t love him anymore and that makes Harland do a sad. He goes to Jessica to say that he’s leaving, only for Jessica to say, nah, I love you as they embrace passionately. Bunny is off on the side though watching and looks like she’s about to have a hernia over this. Did Bunny never just once stop and think to herself “Oh wait a minute! He works for me! I’ll just fire him!”?
But then again, Lifetime Original movie, and a Christmas one at that. Never mind.
So then this naturally leads to kidnapping and attempted murder.
Billy (ew) and Bunny kidnap Harland, tie him to a chair, and demand Jessica marries Billy (ew) or else he’ll stab Harland. Thankfully, Jessica’s gay best friend (BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A GAY BEST FRIEND) saves the day and knocks Billy out. Bunny tries to kill Harland herself, only for Jessica to yeet her own mother into a wall and knock her out. Cut to one year later, the two love birds are married, Bunny is broke and I think in a mental institution for some reason, only for Billy (ew) to come to her saying that he knows where Harland is. Zoom in on Billy (ew) taking out a piece of fried chicken and taking a big bite out of it as the dramatic music flares.
Now, I’m no Lifetime movie expert here (that’s Sian’s job) and I view these films as some degree of torture that should be banned by the Geneva Convention, but wow this was a complete trip. I can only describe my reaction as being one filled with amazement and wonder at the passion on display here. There are no words I can use to accurately paint a picture of this film other than you should go out and watch this, it demands to be seen.
Gravity? Mandy? Roma? Meet your new 10/10 brethren here on Flixist. Recipe For Seduction is our fourth 10/10 movie here and I will not rest until it has been given the honor it deserves.
(Ed. Note – We apologize for this review and we will not honor Jesse’s request. As punishment for this post, we’ve concocted an extra crispy recipe of torture for him; actually eating KFC. His biscuits will also be buttered.)